Buildings in London

Buildings in London, originally uploaded by Boj.

I thought it was cool. I took this from one of those double-decker tour buses.

Lions somewhere :)

Lions somewhere :), originally uploaded by Boj.

Yeah, that's currently the best I can do on this one.

Nathan and Lydia

Nathan and Lydia, originally uploaded by Boj.

Both from Australia, seem to like each other, if you know what I mean. This was in France.

A church in Monaco

A church in Monaco, originally uploaded by Boj.

Yeah, so that was nice...

Fragonard's perfumery

Fragonard's perfumery, originally uploaded by Boj.

We visited this place on the way from France to Italy, and they showed us how perfume is made and all that. Bought some nice stuff.43

A church in Florence

A church in Florence, originally uploaded by Boj.

Very pretty. The brown dome in the background is the "duomo," as some may remember from Judi's history class.

Hello from Corfu, Greece

Now, this is a vacation! We have four days to relax and do whatever we want here. Me, I slept in and then relaxed by the pool today. Tonight we are going to have a traditional Greek party, plate-breaking and all, or so I'm told. Tomorrow I'm spending all day on a boat out in the Mediterranean. And I already have a really good tan. Ho ho. Anyway, not much else to report.

Wow, what an experience

Well, I just got back from touring around the Vatican City. The line to get it was very, very large. We were probably in line for about 45 minutes. What's funny is that we rushed to get there as early as possible, and the line was very long, but later, when I left, the line was much shorter. It's like everyone thinks if they get there early they'll get in faster, and then everyone gets there at the same time. Whatever. Anyway, that was super cool. I really, really enjoyed seeing the Sistene Chapel. It was awesome - literally. I didn't want to leave because I couldn't help but think that I may never be back, and I wanted to take it all in. Anyway, then I went round to St. Peter's Basillica. That was also very amazing. Took a bunch of pictures. There was a hugely massive line to check out Pope John Paul II tomb, so I didn't bother. Anyway, that's where the Pièta is and such. Then I took the metro and walked about 2 miles back to the campsite. It's currently 3 PM and I'm going to go swimming.

By the way, the time has been set on Alaska time, but I will change it from now on so you know what time I'm posting from over here.

Hannah, actually, yes, at the disco, that's exactly what I thought of - dancing wildly in our living room. Good times, good times.

Florence and Rom

Those are the two places I have been since I last wrote. Florence was great - bought a leather coat, some jewelry, and a present for Bo. Spent a lot of money. Today we went on a walking tour of Rome, and we saw the Colosseum, the Pantheon, and other things. Tomorrow it's the Vatican, and I can't wait to see the Sistene Chapel. Oh yeah, and in Florence, I saw the Duomo and the David and other stuff. Last night we went out to a Space Electronic Disco. I had a lot of fun - it was so fun getting out on the floor and dancing. It was fun until sleezy Italian men couldn't keep their hands and yes, other various anatomical parts, away from you. Went home at that point. Caught a taxi with Nick and Megan and Johno and Gemma - who was wildly drunk, very funny. Anyway, gotta run. After Rome it's Corfu. Love you all and keep reading.

News from Cannes

Yes, I'm strolling the streets of the French Riviera. Saw the Grand Casino in Monte Carlo last night - very posh. Walked around with Rebecca Brown, a nice girl from... I can't remember... Florida, maybe? Anyway, fun fun fun.

I really have to go to the bathroom, but I don't know where to find a toilet.

Tomorrow we're off to Florence. Our days in France are almost done.

Well, nothing else to report as of yet. I'll keep you all informed.

Yes, I am having a blast

Sorry if the last post sounded unenthusiastic - I was so frustrated trying to type on the French keyboard that I couldnt get much more out then the bare minimum. Anyway, today we had a bit of a hike, and a picnic lunch out in the Beaujalais wine region. I got so fried. I am radiating heat. Oh well, what fun anyhows. Tomorrow we are headed to the French Riviera - Monté Carlo casinos, here we come.

As for the people, there are 39 on this tour. I am still working on peoples names, but theres Corey, Nathan and Damien together from Australia, Nick and Megan, brother and sister from Edmonton, Lydia from Australia, 6 people from California, etc. Our tour guide is Amy - shes great - and our bus driver is Pete, who is an absolute clown. They are both from Australia as well. Last night we went out to an Irish pub here in Lyon where most of us got at least a little drunk, some more then others. It was fun. Anyway, thats it for now - hopefully more details later on a better keyboard.

Oh, yeah, and the French guy was definitely a little too sure of himself. Nice to talk to, some guys I know could take some lessons in charm and niceness from him. Didnt want to kiss him, but still...

Oh to be in Lyon

Well, here I am in Lyon, France. Paris was great. I saw the Louvre, and that included the Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, etc. Then I walked to the Musèe d Orsay and saw so,e Van Gogh, Renoir, and Monet. I went up the Eiffel Tower - terrible lines. Anyway, this French guy was talking to me and flirting wildly and even tried to kiss me a couple of times, but I wasnt too impressed. By the way, this is a French keyboard, and I cant find the apostrophe anywhere, so there will be none in this post. Anyway, thats all for now. Its very difficult to type on this thing.

The first European installment

Okay, folkies, I have been in London since 7 AM. I arrived after an uneventful flight, and lost 6 hours, consequently losing 6 hours of sleep. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I didn't sleep last night. I got on the London Underground, the Picadilly Line to be precise, and that was fine. I just sat there and watched people come and go until my stop. Then I wandered around with two big bags looking for the Royal National Hotel, and finally found it. I dropped off my bags with the porter since I couldn't check in until 2 PM. I wandered down to the American Express and traded a traveller's check for some pounds. I ate breakfast in Russell Square, a quaint, well, square, down from the hotel. Then I hopped onto a tour bus and toured the sights of London for a couple of hours. Here's what I saw, most of which I have pictures of until my batteries ran out... Big Ben, St. Paul's Cathedral, the Thames, 10 Downing Street, Westminster Abbey, the Royal Exchange, Monumen to the London fire, London Bridge, the Tower Bridge, the HMS Belfast, a navy cruiser used in WWII, now a museum, the Tower of London, where tons of people have been killed over time, Cleopatra's Needle (it's on obelisk), Fleet Street, the London Aquarium, the Marble Arch, the London (a nifty ferris wheel type observatory), Houses of Parliament, the theatre where Woman in White is playing, St. Thomas Hospital, where Florence Nightengale started her school of nursing, Lambeth Palace, Buckingham Palace, Victoria, and Wellington's Arch. Whew! Then I checked in and here I am. Oh, and I forgot - I lost my ticket so when they did a ticket check on the bus, I couldn't find it and had to get off and walk back to the hotel. My shoulders are soooo sore from my backpack. Anyway, that's it, more later.

Ho ho, here we go

Okay, folkies, this is the last post before I take off on my grand adventure.

Thanks, Nate, for the advice. Somehow, although the guy at Pearle Vision may have fixed my glasses, I don't think he could put me back together again. Believe me, if I ever find out that a guy has that capacity, I would marry him in a heart beat. Putting me back together can be quite an undertaking.

For those who care to know, here's how I can be reached while travelling about. To leave me an email, just write the usual address. To leave me a voice mail or to write me an email that I can pick up over the phone, write me at my address and I'll tell you how. I was going to put the info here, but this might be a bit too public a forum.

I'm eating tomato soup and printing Roth IRA distribution forms with which to deal with the last of the money from my grandma.

I sat on my glasses

Yes, folks, the brand new ones that I just got a few days ago. Totally bent the frame and popped out a lens. I was so worried they were going to be permanently damaged, but they're back to just about good as new. Poor guy at Pearle Vision. I almost fell on my face and kissed his feet. Okay, not really, but I felt like I could have if the need had arisen. You see, I just took them off my face last night while we were watching the movie Phantom of the Opera, which is very good by the way. True to the musical, but not identical, and very well done.

I'm downloading softward updates at this coffee shop, and I'm getting about 200 KB/sec. Whew - that's speedy compared to what I'm used to.

I should be leaving soon.

Well, if you must know

I've been at the bookstore reading for the whole afternoon. My mom left today. That is sad. I love her a lot. She is insisting on coming up to Anchorage when I go in August, so she can help me. I'm glad. I think I could figure it all out, but it is a lot so swallow at once, so it'll be nice to have her there.

Well, this is me in limbo. My mind is a whir. Or rather, my mind is whirring. Whatever. So anyway, here I am, going "whir whir whir." That's me. I went and watched "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" last night. It was super funny - bizarre, as all Douglas Adams should be. I got new glasses. Fun.

Dude, I'm sorry my life is so boring right now. Don't feel obligated to come back and read this until later.

What a to-do

This morning, I kinda had a big blow up, with myself really, although my sister got to hear all of it. I have a lot of thoughts roiling around in my head and a limited amount of time to express them as the parking meter is ticking down the block. However, I will say that it's frustrating to be in this vicious cycle where it's like, I come to visit my family and I feel like sometimes I'm treated like a child, and so then I act like a child a bit, and then I'm told to act my age, and then treated like a child. It's very frustrating. I feel like all my family ever gets to see is me being irresponsible and immature. You see, we haven't really lived together, all four of us, for five years, and I think I've changed a lot in five years - I really do. When I'm at Whitestone, or more generally, when I'm in a setting where I have responsibilities and I have to make decisions and all that, I can do it no sweat. Most of the time, I feel that I do pretty well at that. But you see, my family never gets to see me in those situations. They see me when I'm in limbo, or when I feel like I'm on vacation, or when I don't have anything to be responsible about, and I feel like all they see of me is the child. Then I get mad because I know I'm not really like that, it's just that I'm always visiting them, seeing them in their element, and they never come visit me and see me in my element, where I really am a grown-up, put-together individual. Therefore, I feel like I come across as this pouty child. For instance, this morning, my mom was going to take my dad to Springfield to fly back to WV, and I wasn't going to come, and there was no big to-do about it. I didn't think it was a big deal one way or the other, so I opted not to go for the drive and see if I could do some stuff while I had my sister's car. Anyway, my parents were staying, while they were here, with the Zieder's, an older couple from my sister's church. They're very fun people and very nice, but they started pushing the point of going with my parents. You see, in my mind, it just wasn't a big deal, but when they started pushing, and acting like I for some reason was not allowed to decide for myself, but needed to be directed on what I should do, not in a manner befitting a young adult but rather some teeny-bopper, it became a big deal for me not to give in to that because I hate it when people don't trust me to be the adult I am, youngest in the family though I may be. I asked my dad if he cared, and he said he didn't, and I asked my mom, and she said she wouldn't be mad but it was whether I had a heart to do it. To me, I wasn't thinking it was a "heart" issue, it was just a little drive to drop Dad off, so this made me mad because I felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty, and I wish she would have said something, if she thought it was indeed a big deal, before the Zeiders were pushing it, because then I might have come because we would have been talking about it on an adult level rather than me being treated like a little kid. I'm not saying I'm not to blame, I just don't think I'm the only one to blame. Anyway, I poured it all out to my sister and I was so frustrated that I was crying really hard. I do that when I get frustrated. I just wish I could be the responsible person that I know I am - I wish my family could see that, but I feel like all they see is me acting like a 15 year old. That must be my fault. I cannot fault others for the way I come across. It's just that here I have nothing to prove that I am who I have become rather than who I was five years ago - the only way I could prove that is by breaking the cycle and I should have gone to Springfield, even though I felt unjustly coerced in a childish manner, if that makes sense. I should have just sucked it up and done it, even though it would have charred my pride. Who gives a damn about my pride, honestly? It's not that important. Anyway, Dad, I'm sorry I didn't come. I really didn't think of it as a big deal and I should have thought of what it would mean to you and Mom. I'm really not the churlish person I come across as.

Whew, ok. Well, the parking meter is running. To all my friends out there, I love you.

Graduation of another sort

It's so funny being with my parents again... it's just like I'm a little girl again. I'm sitting here checking my email, and my dad is trying to get me to get ready to go to the ceremony and my sister is telling me not to spill my coke, and on and on. Honestly guys, I did grow up, even though you missed out on the last 5 years. Anyway, my sister's graduation ceremony is in 45 minutes, and she's got the whole cap and gown regalia. Anyway... We had a party/get-together over at one of Bo's friends houses this afternoon. It was nice to meet all her friends and family and some professors, but I got a little tired towards the end.

By the way, I tried to call my house from 1:30 until 3:30, which would be 10:30 'til 12:30 in AK, and it was busy the whole time. Whoever's fault that was is going to pay. Anyway, I can't believe the money that must needs be spent to facilitate everything in Europe on my trip. It's like 1500 Euro, at least. I mean, that's just what I have to take in traveller's checks. Oh well, all in a good month's adventure.

Anyway, I need to go get dolled up, as my dad put it. My mom is trying to clean out Kitty's eye and he's biting her. I tried to tell my brother-in-law that Kitty was a eunuch, but he said that eunuchs had it all cut off, so then I called him a castrati, and had to explain what that was. Okay, more later.

I am an extremely privileged person

I have to say, folks, I am honoured. I really, really am. It's an honour to know that there are even just four people out there who want to keep up with me and how I'm doing. Thanks.

I'm currently sitting in the Green Street Coffee House. Some of you may remember that this is where I spent most of my time last summer when I was here helping my sister with her wedding. It's currently under a different ownership, and the improvements are vast. It's nice. Actually, nostalgic as this may sound, it's almost like coming home again. Okay - a little over-the-top, but whatever. You know how it is when you run into something extremely familiar.

I can't believe that I'm leaving for Europe in a little over a week. I don't quite think that it's sunk in.

Yesterday, I did a bunch of shopping. I looked for glasses. I hate looking for glasses. It's so difficult to find some that I like now and that I can be sure I am going to like later. Grrr. I'm also making that really good stuffed chicken when my dad comes in - that stuff I made a couple of weeks ago. So yum. Best food I ever made.

I keep thinking back to the conversation that I had with Bill last Saturday - man, that already seems a lifetime away. I hate that, how time dims things. I remember asking him that if I ever grew up if maybe I could come back. Of course, he was all heart, as he can be sometimes, and said of course I could, if the time came and I really wanted to. I don't know. Maybe I won't. My life might have just changed in the most enormous way that I can't even comprehend. On the other hand, I might just need a year or two to just get all this crap out. I won't know until I decide. Whoa - that was deep, man.

It's so bizarre, looking at society these days, how much things have changed in the past century. I think this has been the most amazing 100 years ever. I mean, I've only been alive for about 20+ of them, but still, I know some history.

(This strange Nigerian guy who wanted to buy something of mine from eBay keeps trying chat with me... Go away, strange Nigerian person!)

Well, time to draw this living epistle to a close. Please keep in touch, all of you out there. I love you all so much and you are my favorite people ever. No joke.

An update

Well, to all of you out there who care, I arrived safely in Illinois. It's great to see my mom and my sister and her husband. My dad will get here on Saturday. Anyway, just kicking back for now.

Graduation

It was nice. I liked it. Nothing surprising - I think graduation is probably one of my favorite special occasions around here.

I'm just terribly depressed. I'm not really excited about anything that I'm going to be doing. I'm just sad. I know I will be more excited later, but right now just depressed. Is life always going to be this dumb? I mean, does anything ever become clear? I can just see myself wandering the rest of my life, searching for meaning until I just die, never having found it. God, that's depressing. I mean, I just want to be satisfied with something, instead of always feeling discontented about something. I always hate what I'm doing, or where I am, or who I'm with, or myself. Why can't I just find something and be happy with it? I mean, whenever I have too long to sit and think, I just get depressed. What's really difficult is that there are so many people around me who have settled who they are and what they're called to. How did they do it? Why could they make that decision, whatever "that" decision was, and I can't? How do people know that where they are is the right place to put down roots? I mean, my problem is that I so desperately want to put down roots and I try to, and then when I find that I can't, the roots I've put down have to be pulled out and it really hurts and I just wish I could find that place, because I don't want to wander for the rest of my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying and comparing every place to here and finding it wanting but I'm afraid that's what is doomed to happen. I just keep giving myself a back door, a loophole. Someday I'm going to have to stop giving myself room for the kind of crap. One day, I'm just going to have to grow up and realize that some things are for certain and I can't question them. You would think I'd have done that by now. I mean, come on, Joanna, you're an adult.

Yeah...whatever.

IT IS FINISHED

I know you all are probably sick to death of hearing it, but I finally finished the last detail of the last project of the last class of this year. It's done. Finito. Yay.

I got terribly depressed this afternoon, and it's all NSV's fault. Grrr. Of course, I knew it was bound to start sinking in, but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. Blindsided, as it were. I tried calling my mom, but that didn't really help. I guess it's just something that I'm going to have to handle and deal with. God help me.

Fun facts to know and tell: Tony Blair was re-elected as Prime Minister for a third term, a first for the Labour Party, and he was the first PM to have a baby while in office in 150 years. Why do I know stuff like that? I'm like a sinkhole for useless information. Like did you know that in the winter of 1932, Niagra Falls froze entirely? Isn't that a silly thing to know? Or that the state in which the most percentage of people walk to work is Alaska? Go figure.

To my latest reader, I hope to keep it scintillating...juicy, I believe you requested. I'll see what I can do. Somedays I just need an outlet and it's not very fun for people to read, but oh well. That's okay. This is, after all, my blog.

Going to bed.

More packing

More and more and more. It's amazing the treasures I'm finding, even after going through my stuff after a year. I'm really tired and I should go to bed.

Guess what!? Today, I turned in my last organic chem set and finished my last two lab conclusions and do you know what that means? THE END OF MY ORGANIC CHEMISTRY EXPERIENCE! Yay.

I learned today that Emerson William is leaving. He's even beating me out. Monday he's going to Seattle. Guess he's got a painting job and some apartment arrangement set up. More power to him. Wonder what will happen to choir. I'm glad I'm not going to be here to find out.

Matt Wenger has turned out to be a very nice guy. I can't believe he's going to be 18 in a few months - probably because I knew him when he was in 7th grade. He's a lot of fun, good-hearted and all that.

Tomorrow is the students' day for the teachers. I get to be a teacher. Did I already write that somewhere else? God knows I'm losing my marbles. So do most of the people I live with. So would anyone in the vicinity when I say anything half-baked. Which is all the time. I really enjoy writing with fragments. Can you tell? Whatever, anyway...

The only school work hanging over me from this year is to revise my biology paper, and I don't think that's going to be too difficult - just an hour or so.

Sleeping...

Good chicken

Yes, I made the best chicken on Saturday night - good thing since I was cooking for 16 people. It was really easy too. I just mixed cream cheese, feta, fried bacon, sun-dried tomatoes, and pesto together, and stuffed boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Then I floured them, dunked them in salad dressing (vinagarette) and coated with crumbled garlic and onion Ritz crackers. Threw them in the oven on a foiled, oiled tray at 375 F for about 50 minutes. Super yum. In case anybody cares...

I had a small fit about doing the last chemistry assignment today, and then sat down and go most of it done. I'm so silly.

I got super depressed tonight at dinner. You know, it's right about now that all the little things that I'm going to miss start to mean so much. It's fine - it's bound to happen no matter where one is and where one is going. I'll get used to it.

I'm listening to Annie Lennox - I like most of her stuff. Different.

What to do, what to do. I talked to the head of the new engineering programs - Dr. Grant Baker - today. Sent in a change of major form so that I can be officially on the docket for computer systems engineering. We'll see. I'm trying to get everything taken care of before I leave for Europe, because when I come back that's going to be it. I'll have to leave straight way for Anchorage, pretty much. Whatever. I just hope I don't mess anything up royally - I'm trying to stay as organized as possible, but if you know me...

Okay, that's it.

Procrastinating again

Big surprise, huh? Anyway, I was chatting with Eric Bell tonight. I think he'd had to much to drink, but it was interesting to talk to him again.

I'm working on organic chemistry - it's the story of my life, and it's almost done and I hate it.

I'm listening to Handel's Messiah - all we, like sheep, have indeed gone astray.

I was supposed to get a door knob for our room, but I don't think any of them are going to work.

I have to start packing soon. Argh.

I saw Sam today in Delta - that was nice. We only talked for about 20 minutes because I had to run to dinner.

Do you see how all these sentences start with "I"? It's because this is my blog where I get to talk about me all I want to. Cool, huh?

I need to sell my computer ASAP. Grrr. I will do it immediately. I need to do it before I leave, actually.

See, I'm procrastinating. It would be really nice to not have to get a job next year. I don't know if I'll be able to avoid it.

Interesting life, don't you think?

Thursday night candles

Thursday night candles, originally uploaded by Boj.

Here's a silly one.

Linguistics

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

20% Yankee

10% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Argh

I have only 25 problems standing between me and the end of organic chemistry, and I have a week and a half to do them in. Shoulnd't be too bad, but we'll see how it goes. Right now, my priority is the biology paper. And currently I have to grade definitions from the high school class. They're having a test tomorrow, so I'm kind of under the gun, but no problem. There you have outlined my work for the next week and a half. Oh, and I'm on breakfast on Friday. And I'm hanging with the Greenleaf's Thursday evening. Should be fun, although I'm sure to be grilled about what is happening in my life. I'll just have to gear myself up for it.

I have to ask myself, how did I survive life without a tabbed browser? The answer is uknowable.

Waiting for the internet...

Gar. It's so fun - tonight we have the new upriver rats, Amanda and Vanessa, who are living at Rika's for the summer, here at our house, and Matt is staying over with Josiah. Of course, I'm not downstairs to enjoy their company, but it's good to have them here, nonetheless.

Finally, finished the definitions. I guess I am just too fast for the internet.

Well, I should continue work on my biology. Until next time.

Fire

Fire, originally uploaded by Boj.

I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of this one. It's neat.

Around the fire

Around the fire, originally uploaded by Boj.

One campfire or another on Thursday night.

Ben Selavggio

Ben S., originally uploaded by Boj.

My small friend, the cutie.

Sam and his exercise routine

Sam and his exercise routine, originally uploaded by Boj.

This is from Friday morning after the big hurrah. Sam and his group were doing a skit about being an exercise group. It was great.

Exxon Valdez blah blah blah

That's how I feel, just in case you were wondering. Actually, I made some progress on my report tonight - progress is always good. Actually, I was going to spend all afternoon on it, but by the time I got home is was about 3:20, and it was so nice outside so I went out and lay on the roof in my bathing suit. It was nice, and not altogether unproductive, as I read...okay, skimmed mightily through all the organic chemistry chapters I have to cover in the next two weeks.

Jessica and I biked into Delta yesterday. Poor Polkie had a terrible bike with flat tires and no breaks. The Jumping Java hut wasn't open, probably because it was a Sunday, but we went to IGA and got some coffee. Then we didn't want to bike home, so we got Josiah to come pick us up at the library. That was super funny.

I think I'm going to go to bed pretty soon, even though it's only 10:20 PM.

Josiah asked me if I would be his girlfriend just for tonight, so we've been having a relationship tonight. Silly, but who cares? Not me. I would only care if we had to be boyfriend and girlfriend for more than three hours at a time. We would tear each other to pieces. We irritate each other way to easily - just the right amount to be good friends, but certainly not anything more than that.

I was thinking tonight, and you know, I feel really settled about my decision for next year, even though it was by far the most spur of the moment idea. I really do believe that God wants me to go, and I think he's opening the door for this option. My biggest fear, regardless of what I just said, is that He will leave me alone. I'm the type of person that loves solitude, but not being alone. It's sort of a selfish perspective - I want people far enough so that I don't have to bother with them, but close enough so I know I'm not entirely alone. But then, who isn't like that to some extent?

Courtney will be here tomorrow!

I was going to take a break...

...from my organic chemistry homework, but then I got so caught up in finishing it that I'm here only because I did finish as completely as I could. It's a good thing I got most of it done, minus a couple of questions, considering that I've pretty much had a four day weekend. Seriously, I went to Fairbanks on Thursday, had fun that night and the next morning, got the rest of Friday off, was on laundry on Saturday, and then off today. It was heavenly, but it's back to work tomorrowy. Only two more weeks, though. The biggest thing weighing on my mind now is just the biology project. It's not going to be difficult, it's just a matter of sitting down and doing it.

Man, I really like those Smirnoff Ice things.

I washed the red suburban tonight. The road to our house off the highway is absolutely atrocious. There are muddy ruts at least a foot deep. Anyway, this afternoon I was trying to stay out of the ruts and managed to load up the car with mud, so I washed it. It was a fun diversion.

You know, it's funny, but I have no qualms about starting school over if I have to, and on top of that, I have no regrets. Regardless of the fact that three years of my life and hard work might be about to go to waste in the most technical sense, I don't regret it a stitch.

Okay, I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Murder of a goldfish

I just witnessed Hannah's nasty and gross slimesucker murder, in very, very cold blood, a poor unsuspecting goldfish. Here we've been wondering why our goldfish keep dying, and it's all the slimesucker's fault! The thing has been killing them, and then the other fish have been nasty cannibals and finishing them off. We transferred the dead fish to the toilet and said a few Latin mass-like words over it and then put the criminal in solitary confinement. Death the slimesuckers everywhere! I'm traumatized forever!

So it was the first day of school

Okay, not really. We prefer to call it the annual teachers' suprise. It was fun. I'll post some pictures maybe, or you can just go to my nifty pictures link and take a look. Anyway, they went on a treasure hunt, and then we prophesied over one another and then we went to the campfires and had food and good times. That's the nutshell version.

We almost had Bobby and Cathy Owens stay at our house tonight, which would have been interesting considering it's just Josiah, Jessica, Hannah, Peter and I home tonight. Thankfully they're staying somewhere else. We are having an upriver service tonight though. It was suppose to be the whole farm, but the wind is so bad out that we can't even manage a boat trip to get the Owenses downriver. The delta is just about impassable as it came up to my butt when I walked across around noon. The silt is everywhere. I mean, I left my computer on the edge of my bed by my closed window for about 30 minutes, and when I came back, there was an appreciable layer on it. Bizarre.

There's not much else to say. You know everything there is to know. You are completely and entirely posted. ... Get it? Ha, I thought it was funny.

I can hear my heart beating in my ear

Yes, ladies and gentlement, it's true. Bizarre, isn't it?

I guess it's been a bit since I've relayed what my life is doing with itself. Actually, it's been three days, but so much has happened since then. I have since applied to UAA (University of Alaska, Anchorage, for those who care and don't know) and been nominally accepted, it being that my transcripts get sent and accepted. I've sent in my FAFSA for aid and I'm really nervous about the next 5 months. My life is going to be in an uproar. I'm very excited, but bit time nervousness is settling in. I want to just enjoy myself, but so many new experiences at once are amazing.

I'm thinking about being on the debate team down there. You may be thinking - Alaska? A debate team? In fact, they have won national and international titles in international forms of debate, and many of the people on the team are people that I debated in high school and even beat. I know I could do it. It is, however, very time-consuming with all the international travel they do. Ups and downs, pros and cons. We'll just have to see.

Church calls.

Abigail and Alicia

Abigail and Alicia, originally uploaded by Boj.

Another two main perpetrators of this event.

Argh...the pirate

Argh...the pirate, originally uploaded by Boj.

Rich Dias

Cool Dude Mark

Cool Dude Mark, originally uploaded by Boj.

A little blurry, but I loved the hair. Go, Mark!

Hannah, Columbia's pseudo-beauty queen

Hannah, Columbia's pseudo-beauty queen, originally uploaded by Boj.

Hannah, one roomie. Very appropriate outfit since she gets teased about being a Columbian drug-lord.

Polkie the blackie

Polkie the blackie, originally uploaded by Boj.

Wow, Jassaca, there are no words.

Wow

Wow, originally uploaded by Boj.

Who'da known it? Lisa and Aaron.

Than the hippy

Than the hippy, originally uploaded by Boj.

Ha - you think this is bad? You should have seen the patches in the pants.

Nelson and Bethany

Nelson and Bethany, originally uploaded by Boj.

Who would have guessed?

Cruella and her brood

Cruella and her brood, originally uploaded by Boj.

Josh and Ellen with boys Ethan, Brandon, and Caleb - gotta love the dalmations.

The Porters

The Porters, originally uploaded by Boj.

Gotta love it! Take a gander at Tom's "facial reconstruction."

Don't do it!!!

Don't do it!!!, originally uploaded by Boj.

David and Evan, two key planners of this shindig, at each others' throats...okay not really, but it was a good picture anyway.

Josiah, wearing curtains and an ivy

Josiah, wearing curtains and an ivy, originally uploaded by Boj.

Yes, this is my friend who lives across the way...is he wierd or what?

Back home

Wow, we got home tonight after a long day in the bus and boy was there a suprise awaiting us! The whole entire farm had dressed up to celebrate our victories, and it was amazing. I'll post some pictures once I upload them.

Here are the results of the tournament:

DI - Audrey 1st, Matt 3rd
HI - Diego 1st, Hilary 2nd, Nick 4th
OO - Hannah 1st, Rachel 2nd
PFD - Cara/JC 1st, Nick/Pat 3rd
LD - James 4th, Hilary 4th, Audrey 4th
MIME - Matt 4th, Luke (can't remember)
DUO - Hilary/Diego 2nd
Duet - James/Pat 6th, Diego/Lewis 5th
Solo - Ben 1st, Pat 4th(?), Hannah 6th(?)
FX - Sam 5th, Lewis 6th
RT - Seussical 2nd

In expository speaking and DX we didn't place, and we don't compete in commentary or CX debate. We took the sweepstakes for 1A, 2A, and 3A schools in drama, forensics, and debate, as well as the overall point sweepstakes for the whole tournament, coming home with a total of 170 points, a new record, over West, our nemesis in a friendly way, who went home with 131. We lost the grade point average prize for the first time this year, but oh well. This means that we get to send 5 people to nationals in Philadelphia this summer.

I saw Sam - that was great. We went out Friday night and saw Carmina Burana (sp?) which I love. The performance wasn't that fantastic but it was fun to meet some of Sam's friends. We talked some, and that was good.

Well, that's it for now.

First day is over

Well, the first day of competition is over, and I got to judge every round. I judged a PFD round, an LD round, and a pantomime round. I love it that I can judge because it gives me something useful to do. I know this is short, but I have to go help compile dinner.

12:23 AM

Yes, my friends, it's that early the night before State, and I just finished packing. Now I'm just waiting for the bathroom because someone was taking a shower.

You'd think I'd learn a thing or two from my experience with speech coaching. I'm a terrible coach. On top of that, I'm really not teacher material. I'm just plain too selfish. Right now, I'm dreading tournament. I'm dreading that I'll feel useless like I did tonight when I saw Nika helping Angela get all the stuff together and I was oblivious to the fact that they were even doing anything. I'm dreading watching Angela and Nika be together in a room and me having fun yet feeling left out because they're off being "Nika and Angela" together. I really dread being there and feeling like an extra arm that someone carries around because they feel obligated to. Why do you think I go to tournaments, I mean, really? It's because I want to feel important, and because I want to judge because that means someone has to care what I think. I'm dreading Bill being there, wondering what I'm doing there, all the while not knowing that I coach extemp day in and day out. I'm dreading not being useful enough, feeling guilty that I'm just another responsibility rather than a help. Why can't I just look forward to State? Why do I have to sit here and overanalyse my complexes? I told you I was too selfish - this whole paragraph has been about me, and I'm the least important member going. Honestly, Joanna, get a grip.

I made a movie, it's super cool.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Talk about a blast from the past. I used to watch them on TV when I was a little kid. However, I don't find them and their shrill singing near to enthralling as I used to, so I have sequestered myself in my room and turned up my music. Currently, that is Secret Garden, the album, Dawn of a New Century. It's pleasant.

I did, as I said yesterday, speech all day, from 10 until 5. I'm a little tired now, even though I didn't really do any personal exertion. I mean, I guess coaching could be called that, in a way. I have to do organic chemistry homework now - infrared spectroscopy. I don't think it's going to be too difficult. The hardest part will be opening Virtual PC. Takes so much memory to run that it slows everything else down to a snail's pace.

Emerson W. asked me tonight if I was ignoring/avoiding him, and I just kind of said that I wasn't, not consciously, although I had thought maybe he had been ignoring/avoiding me. He assured me vehemently that he wasn't. He was on boats today, and so tonight after dinner while we were waiting for the accumulation of people in the truck, he was teasing me about my hat, saying I looked like a female Ignacious (from Confederacy of Dunces) and I knew things were going to be okay. After all, if he's mocking and teasing me, things must be back to normal. Kind of a weight off my back.

Wow, I am so hot I am just pouring sweat. Well, not quite, but it is hot up here in my room.

I guess I should quit procrastinating and actually get busy. Argh.

Sun-tanning in April

I was out on the roof this afternoon sunning myself. It was great. I had to punch out my screen to get out there, but it was worth it. It was so warm, except for a cold breeze every now and then. Don't know that I actually increased the melanin levels in my skin, but oh well.

Just finished watching De-Lovely. It was really good, although perhaps about 45 minutes too long. I cried at the end, of course. I cry in movies whenever possible. Can you imagine living a life like that? I mean, aside from the fact that Porter was gay, married, and his wife was fine with that a large portion of the time, it all seems pretty surreal.

Tomorrow, its speech, speech, speech. I'm going to be coaching from 10 AM until dinner, pretty much. It's all good, though. It will be an altogether fun experience, this next week.

I'm glad Emerson W. is not going to be around much this week. It's not that I'm mad at him still, but I can tell he is still pissed off about me ranting to someone else about my problem with him. And he was right. But honestly, even if I'd never breathed a word, he's still have to be dealing with all the crap he's having to figure out. I sure didn't help, but I didn't start the fires either. I can't really say I care all that much. I know I should, but I just don't.

I think I'm getting somewhere it regards to next year, but we'll see. I think God really wants to do something in my life in regards to my care for other people, and how much I'm willing to devote my efforts to helping and interceding for others, but I also think that it's not going to be in the way some people may imagine. Living at Whitestone is time-consuming. It's takes a lot of sweat and tears to be able to give away time to others when all the time is already taken by others. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I don't really care since I know what I mean.

The European way

Sometimes I wish I had been born in Ireland or Scotland or Iceland. I don't know why I have this fascination with those countries, but I just love them. I've always wanted to go to Iceland - I don't even know what's there to see, but there you have it. Mark Selvaggio and I are both really into Iceland, and we talk about it sometime. I'll go, one day, for some reason or another. Ireland is happening this summer - a whole month of it! I don't know about Scotland - it's not on the itinerary, but maybe I'll get a chance to see it. Laura Greenleaf's pictures of Scotland make it seem like such a beautiful place. I've always wanted to go to northern Scotland, up to the fishing villages. Maybe someday I'll move to northern Scotland. I could see myself doing that, just for the heck of it. Sometimes being impulsive can get you into trouble, but sometimes I get to experience and enjoy amazing things far more than other people. Of course, being just 20, I've only just gotten to the point where I can drastically exercise my right to do whatever I want, and this trip this summer is just the beginning. You know, when you're in high school and you have a head on your shoulders, you generally dig in and do what your supposed to do - the homework, the doing what your told by those in authority, whether that be parents or teachers. If you've gained a little wisdom by that age (I know what you're thinking - "very funny"), you learn to just do the proper things generally. But, when you graduate, a whole world of possibilities opens up to you. You can do anything. I don't like to think of anything as out of my reach. Heck, I bet if I put my whole heart into it, I could be an opera singer if I wanted to. People laugh when I say that, and granted, I am saying it jokingly, but I can see in their eyes that they're thinking, "Yeah right, you? An opera singer?" But I say I could do it. And I really, honestly believe that. Laugh all you want, but there you have it. And if I want to live in the fishing villages in norhtern Scotland, why not? Who's going to stop me? It doesn't mean there wouldn't be some things to deal with, such as getting a visa, or whatever they call them in Scotland, and getting a job, and making friends, and the language/accent barrier, but I could still do it. There is not one single thing that can stand in my way. Now, before anyone gets their knickers in a wad, I also really want to go to college and get a degree, not because I feel obligated, which is no reason at all, but because I honestly want to, and I plan on doing that. But maybe, when I'm 35, if I'm still free-lancing it, I'll just up and go for no reason except that I want to. I honestly believe that there's nothing wrong with being that impulsive. I mean, you have to lay a good groundwork for that kind of stuff. I could just take off, but if I'm in debt, or have no way of providing for myself, or I have certain real (not imagined - big difference) responsibilities to other people, then being impulsive with your life might get you into trouble, but honestly, if things are going well and you just want a change - a really big one - why not? Someone tell me, why not? What is so terribly important, why are you so tied up in knots, why are you so scared to do what you want to do?

Now, you may be asking - interesing soliloquy, but why is all this coming out now? I'll tell you.

I think it's because I'm terribly sick of trying to convince myself that what I imagine to be obligations are really that - important obligations. Yes, I have certain responsibilities, and I'm doing my best to make sure that I take care of those. But honestly, some of the things I imagine to be astoundingly important are nothing in reality, and the things I want to do are being thrown to the wayside like they are not important at all. What worth is it for me to live this life fulfilling duty after illusory duty when the things worth living for - my aspirations and dreams - are going unfulfilled?

I outrightly refuse to become another cubicled desk job when there's a whole universe - and yes, I do mean universe - of possibilities out there.

The best feeling

You want to know what one of the best feelings in the world is? It's being pretty much caught up on all the homework I have to do. I finished the chapter 14 exercises I had to do, I have no current lab work that needs doing, and all I've got on my plate is thinking about what and how I'm going to teach next week and my final project for biology, which, by the way, is going very well. It's an unusual phenomenon for being about four weeks from the end of school. Usually I'm scrambling trying to get everything done. Of course, the production will start full-force after State, and there's State, and I have to pack in the last week of school because I'm shipping out right after graduation.

Wow, I am super cold. Stupid fan.

A tribute to a friend

I decided today to talk about my friend Cara. She's a real chum. It's funny, because when I was a senior in highschool and she was in ninth grade, we were nigh unto inseperable. We talked about everything, and we had the same views on a lot of stuff. We both loved coffee and books, you know, all that stuff, and we worked together in debate - we were together all the time. After I graduated and started college, we grew apart a little, not for any other reason than that we were never around each other that much. But the funny thing was that if we did ever hang out, we could always pick up right where we left. To this day, we can talk about anything, and that's very encouraging. I wish her the best as she goes to State and graduates from highschool.

Speaking of State, I'm really excited about going. Actually, what's more exciting is that all the kids are excited that I'm going. It's very heartening to know that they want me to be there and that they think it wouldn't be the same without Nika and I. Sometimes I feel more like a slave driver than a coach, because I'm constantly having to light fires under certain people's butts when it comes to extemp, but it's good to know they appreciate it.

I'm also getting excited about Europe. I'm starting to think about it more, and all that kind of stuff. It's going to be such an experience. I'm a little nervous about being in Ireland for a month, simply because I won't be a "free agent," but rather someone who is there to help out and really contribute while I'm there. I'm sure it will be fun.

Monday, Monday

Well, I spent most of the weekend without the internet, which was somewhat of a pain. Then again, I didn't really have anything important to do on the internet besides work on my biology project, and who cares about that. I mean, it's only my most important project of this 400-level class. Really, though, it doesn't matter.

I have to teach next week. I'm teaching the introduction to acids and bases - God knows why I picked the longest and one of the most important chapters in the last half of the book. It covers properties of acids and bases, including Arrhenius and Bronsted-Lowry and Lewis models, and conjugates, and so on, and I half to cover it in three days, and I won't be able to assign hardly any homework because that's the week of State. It should be fine, but I'm a little nervous simply because I've never actually been in charge of lecturing and homework all the while being graded for it. Argh.

Okay, well, that's it.

What's wrong with...

...wanting something I can't have? I'll tell you what's wrong with it - I spend all my mental energies thinking about how much I want it, and don't have time to ponder the more meaningful things in life. There are only a few things that I want desperately. There have been little things, this and that, but I've never believed that I would be happy if I could only have them. But these couple of things - I know that I think I would be satisfied if only I could. I'm sure I would have a raft of different problems, but at least they wouldn't be the one's I've already worn out having. Give me something different to fight for a change. Sometimes I think I would rather have a crisis on my hands - at least then I'd know where the battle was, I would be in battle mode, as it were. But day after day, it's the same old crap. Stupid stuff, over and over. I hate it.

Sorry, Bo, I was actually going to try to make this a happy blog post - for your sake.

School is over in...six weeks, I think. I need for it desperately to be finished. I'm excited about going to Europe this summer. Tomorrow I'm going Fairbanks to see a concert of the opera Carmen. It's really not going to be acted out, just kind of a showcase. It should be fun - the whole choir is going.

Going to have a party to welcome home Amanda.

Wow, anger

It's so frustrating to be in a class where the teacher won't even let you get a question out. I understand not wanting to get into things if they're a bit of a rabbit trail, but at least let the student get a word in edgewise. It's especially frustrating when, as a college student, I want to know why I'm learning specific things and how I would use them in the real world, but when the teacher won't even let me ask and assumes I just don't want to learn, that makes me want to shut down and definitely not listen to a thing he's saying. Therefore, I am writing this blog post as Ted blabbers on about oxidation and reduction. I don't care about it, honestly. The only reason I care about this class is to pass it. So, I got a 97 - yay. I don't care what I did wrong and don't want to spend time talking about it, especially when I can't even ask the questions that matter to me and he just goes on and on about what he thinks is important. Grrr.

That felt good to get that out.

Where does it all end?

Had an irritating conversation with Jon Bailey last week. I've been trying to approach it from the right angle, because I don't believe that there is nothing to be learned from the most frustrating circumstances. However, it's difficult not to just be frustrated and ignore it completely. I just don't understand where he gets off being irritated at me for me own personal struggles. Since when was it his right to get irritated? Since never, that's when. I just don't understand how he could be saying to completely opposing things in one conversation. First he says I'll regret it if i stay here and then he says I should stay here because God said. Sounds to me like he thinks I should stay but I shouldn't stay because I'll regret it so go and disobey God. He doesn't leave me any options! How am I supposed to be helped by a conversation like that? Do anyone understand how truly frustrating this is? God!

On to bigger things...or not...

I'm so excited for Janelle, but while she's my best friend, I often envy her. I live my life surrounded by skinny, in-shape, or generally good-looking people. I'm suffering from a severe relapse of insecurity. Going through one of those how-dare-I-breathe-the-air-and-take-up-space phases. There are things that I will never be able to change about myself, and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I'm embarrassed just to show up in the morning, sure that somebody is noticing how fat I am, or how ugly I am, or how stupid I am. Isn't that dumb? What it is is self-centered. It's all about me. Wow - the whole head is sick.

I need coffee - I need it now and I need it desperately.

Just perusing

I was just looking at that blog from David Duchovny. Interesting. I think it's a great idea for people who are very well-known, to the point of being unreachable. It makes them seem much more real and in touch with their fans.

I haven't done a stitch of homework this weekend. I'm probably going to get lambasted tomorrow, but we'll see if I can hide it. I may be able to, but I'll still regret having to catch up this week.

I watched a super dumb movie this weekend - Vanity Fair. It has Reese Witherspoon in it. It was awful. Hated it. Ended terribly. It had a really good looking guy in it though. Played a terrible part.

I wish I had a great talent to be someone famous. Oh well, won't ever happen I'm sure.

I'm so tired - I should go to bed.

Nastiness

Just watched a movie called "Carolina." I cried super hard. I'm like that with movies, though. It was good.

Sick of being at home. Stupid, conisdering I've only been at home one day. Hopefully I'll recover over the weekend. I'm so sick of being sick. I've been ill for like a week and a half. So dumb.

I should go to bed. I'm so tired, but I need to take a shower. Don't really feel like it, though.

I feel nice, like sugar and spice

Actually, truth be told, I feel like hell. I thought I was better, but then I woke up this morning and I am just a sick puppy. Got a terrible cough and a headache. And, I have to walk the delta this morning and it is very windy - terribly windy. And, then I have to go to Fairbanks, which will be fine, but I just wish I could stay in bed all day. It's so pooey.

On the bright side, the geometry class is doing a nice job on their blueprints, and so far I haven't had to play the mean teacher. I'm making some yummy coffee, which I probably don't need but I feel like I do, so I'm making it.

I spend so much of my life thinking about and dwelling on all the terrible things about myself. It's such an ingrained habit that I find myself needing someone else to tell me something good about myself because I know I'll always be down on myself. So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell. No, but seriously, that's why I strive to be good at so many things, and get terribly down when I don't progress - like the violin, or the piano. I feel like those are things that people will notice if I'm good at, so I want to get better so I can hear nice things about myself. I don't think of being good at chemistry as something that will get me noticed and applauded, so I throw it off as being of no account. I know this all sounds really dumb, but it's honest. It's funny how much one can know that the way one thinks about things is silly, but it still doesn't change anything.

Matt, one of my geometry students, is daring me to drink my 2-methylpentene solution. I told him I don't drink toxic crap like that. Gotta go.

Nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy

That's what we're doing in Fairbanks tomorrow. Ted, Lisa and I are all going up to do NMR on the 2-methylpentenes that we made the other day. Neato. Eating out is going on the grant - hohoho, and a bottle of rum.

I'm rethinking the idea of college here. It would be really cool to take some music classes. I'm thinking of doing that. I don't know. I like the idea. Dunno.

A new day

I had a mental culmination yesterday - an epiphany, as it were. It was good, and yet a "good" backed up by a "you have a lot of work to do yet." At least I'm not having panic attacks anymore. Seriously, it was bad - everytime I thought about my future, it was like my chest got all tight and I couldn't take deep breaths. Talk about too much stress. I guess I was able, in a moment of clarity, step back and see where I first went off the path. I asked myself how it was that I got so far off-course. Somehow the issue had become me, when the issue is not me. And believe me, when the issue is me, things go bad. I open little doors, just a crack, and before I can blink I'm so far off-course that it's like trying to double the Cape Good Hope in a typhoon. I don't want to care that much. I don't mean that in a bad way. Sometimes caring too much is a big problem.

I really need to clean my room.

Sick and tired

That's me. I've been at home all day sick. Yesterday, I was totally fine until right at the end of choir, when I got a raging headache that made me sick to my stomach. I tried to go to lab, but to no avail, and so I tried to sleep upstairs and that was to no avail too, so I went to dinner and then came home and just felt terrible. So, I've been home sleeping all day. I'm trying to do some homework...I didn't go to service, but I think it's over because people are coming online. This stupid book - Life in the Cold - is so amazing. Why would someone devote their life to this kind of stuff. Did you know there is a complicated mathematical formula for the thermal conductivity of snow packs?

I'm talking to my sister. I feel so badly because she so wants me to come down to Illinois, and I just can't make the decision. Then there are people who want me to stay here, and I can't seem to decide that either. And then, if I ignore the outside pressure entirely, there's me sitting in the middle thinking that I want to do all of them.

I'm still working on the Moonlight Sonata. I really like it. It makes me happy.

I'm so tired.

Every thing we've ever stolen has been lost, returned or broken

A joy to be back from tournament. I had an okay time. For some reason I got to thinking about a lot of different stuff. Reminded me how vitriolic and cynical I can be. I am so tired of this. God, why does this happen? Why can I not know what is right? Why does this stuff have to be so difficult? Everything is so dumb. How come everyone else I know seems to have an overriding desire to do whatever it is they end up doing and they can be so sure? I mean, people who go off to college really want to go and barely thing twice about if it's "right," and people I know who are here have made some sort of unearthly decision that they need to be here. Dumb.

On an entirely different note, I am so proud of Ben for winning DX this tournament. I hope he keeps it up through State. That would be so awesome. I know he can do it. I did it - won the third tournament and then won at State. Yay for Ben. Wish I could go to Nationals, but alas, I'm going to be galavanting around Europe. Hohoho.

I managed to get seven organic chem problems done in about an hour and a half last night. I was very proud of myself, but I must admit that they were also rather easy. I actually did have some trouble on the last problem and need a little guidance, but I don't feel badly because they were complex syntheses from 2-pentene into various octynes and butynes. Whatever.

Interesting talk with Nathan on the way home from tournament yesterday. Made me angry. I'll get over it, but it still made me mad. I hate thinking about depressing things and remembering how bitter I am about stuff. I'd rather stuff it under the couch cushions and forget about it. I am well aware that it doesn't solve anything and it won't go away - it will still sit under the cushions and rot. I don't need a freaking mentor - there's nothing anyone can tell me that I don't already know, thus it's a waste of time to listen to the same things over and over again. I may hold on to stuff from years ago, but it doesn't affect my relationship with those people. Even as I write that I know it's not true. In little ways, I remember - I have a little less respect, am more likely to place blame, ever-so-slightly less likely to forgive. What a joke. What a big fat joke.

The road has done gone and melted

I can't believe it! Middle of March and the road has decided it has stuck around long enough! The absolute nerve. Anyway, it's quite a calamity. None of the fertilizer is here, three truckloads of building supplies are yet to come, and copier man hasn't had a chance to fix the printers. Oh well, you learn to live with stuff like this after a while. Walking season, here we come!

At home on a Sunday night

I made a half-hearted attempt to do some homework tonight, but since I did homework all day I didn't really get into it. Instead, I read a couple pages in a book that I'm sending out in the mail because I sold it on eBay, watched the pilot from Dead Like Me, and perused blogs. Most of the house is downstairs watching The Manchurian Candidate. I didn't really have any desire to see it. Hannah came up about 40 minutes into it saying it was scaring her (not a big suprise) and went to bed.

Beautiful song - Road to Mandalay, Robbie Williams

Wow, I should just give up and go to bed. It's only 10:30, but hey, why not? Not likely to do anything else useful tonight, so I may as well. I wish I could have three days completely to myself to do whatever whenever with whomever. Total heaven.

I've been meaning to call Sam for the past week, and just haven't gotten around to it. He took some kind of test that is something important in the police process, and I wanted to know how it went, but I just haven't called yet. Heard he was in Fairbanks this weekend. Should have called while he was driving back to Anchorage.

There's another speech tournament coming up this weekend. Nika's not going - I will miss her. Oh well.

Okay, going to bed

Squeak

I just needed to say that I finally figured out what was wrong with my squeak! Simply a matter of a bow to tight. Yay!

Springtime

The light is gaining speedily. As much as Larry the Duck may wish it, the warm rays of springtime are still a good two months away. It's finally staying light until 6 pm, and it's actually light walking to class at 8 am. Now, light isn't to say the sun's up, just that it's thinking about coming up. Anyway, spring doesn't arrive in full force until the beginning of May. Gotta love this state, man.

Do you ever feel like you're floating on this sea of uncertainty? It sucks big time.

In choir, we've been learning some of Anton Bruckner's motets. They're all accapella, which has never been our strong point, but we're doing alright. So far, we've done Christus factus est, Os justi, Ave Maria, and Locus iste. Anyway, check them out sometime, if you can find them anywhere - they're very pretty. I like the first page of Os justi, and the second page of Ave Maria and something else from Christus factus est, but I can't remember which part. Yesterday we were all terribly off key, and it was kind of frustrating, so I was glad to get out of there.

I've been trying to practice some more on my violin. I'm stuck on some Bach minuets because I just can't get rid of the squeak. It's so irritating. It's like, I can read the music, I know how to play it, but it just sounds bad because I squeak terribly if I try to play up to speed. I've also been practising Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on the piano. I've got Fur Elise down so pat that the more I play it the worse I get. So, I decided to finish this sonata that I started learning last year but never finished. Now, that's fun.

My sister has been looking at these apartments for me that are down the street from her and Nathan. The one bedroom one bathroom apartments are going for a good price, so I hope one is available when I finally decide what I'm going to do. I mean, I am really making plans to stay down in Illinois, but I have not committed to it. I mean, I sort of have, but I just don't know yet. I just don't know. It's irritating because if I'm going to go down there, I have to start thinking that way so my options can be open, but whenever I think about really going, I just feel yucky. After living in close proximity to all these people. all of whom I know and love, I know I'll be lonely and bored and sad. No offense, Bo, but it just will be. I don't think it's fear, it's just heart-wrenching.

Comfort zone

My blog is my comfort zone. I feel free to say and be whatever I want because to me, it's my space to talk. Although, given the way word gets around, there will always be things that I just won't say, I still feel as though it's my time. This is my forum. How liberating.

In my heart, I think I'm gone. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time. But as plans become more concrete, I get more excited about it. I cringe, though, every time I think of how I won't see these people again until God knows when - Janelle gets married? I don't know. That's the hardest part, and it's taken me a long time to really see that my friends aren't enough. I've been able to say that from my head for quite awhile, but I've only really believed it recently. Probably because I'm at the point where my desire to go is more than my desire to stay with my friends. I guess inside I've always thought that being with the people I love was the most important thing, but it's not. Not anymore. Even if I was going where none of my family was, the point still holds that the relationships, no matter how long I've spent building them, are not enough. In the long run, nothing will ever be enough, but I know I'm going to have to go about believing that the hard way. I know that my desires for my life will never fulfill me and they won't make me happy if I accomplish them, but I don't believe it. So, I'm going to go out and prove to myself that I'm still miserable even when I have everything I ever dreamed of. In the end, nothing will ever be enough without fulfillment from somewhere entirely outside of myself. I will never be happy satisfying myself. Somewhere along the way, I will do something completely selfless, not caring what happens to me, to my life, to my dreams - then I will be happy. But I know that will only happen when I've realized that I'm never going to be content doing what I've always wanted to do. I know that sounds a bit depressing, but it doesn't make me sad. Just because I know what I will learn at the end doesn't mean I won't have some fun times learning what I already know.

Really quickly

I wonder what it is about myself that makes me so irritable. Honestly, I'm just a nasty person to be around sometimes. I get so mad so easily, like everything is going to fall apart because someone made me mad. What's the most frustrating thing is that no matter how much I set my mind to be a nicer person, and to be more patient person, I always end up falling apart. The thing of it is that I think I'm getting worse. I used to be periodically cynical and sarcastic, but now the smallest thing can set me off. I really don't want to be this way, and I hope it's just because I've got a lot on my mind these days.

I've decided to eat just salad for the next three months. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I think I'm getting fatter. It's very frustrating.

Interesting happenings

I didn't really know what to think of Jessica's blog post. I mean, to me, that's hardly the thing our blog needed. I know it was meant to be a joke, but I just don't think it's useful when we just got over a big hunda. I mean, to me, it would have been funny if she had chosen things to say that were funny, but most of them were all too true, you know? So I guess to me, it sounded like she was really letting it all out. It's fine, but the way it came out sounded more hateful then funny. Whatever.

I just finished chemistry lab. We were doing all sorts of tests on various alcohols, as well as trying to finish distilling the alcohol we made. Yay. Next week we have to fractionally distill our current distillate, do a couple more tests and then we're done. One more week without lab book homework! Oh yeah, except for the previous one on chromatography - still have to do that one. Dang.

The only reason I left the other blog is, well, really because I decided I just didn't want the extra hunda it was causing. I mean, the idea was really cool, but I just don't want to cause more problems than there are already. I mean, I tried to tell Polk, you know, using the whole "talk to the person, don't just comment and write more if you have a problem" thing, but she just thanked me for saying something and said she didn't care, it was just meant to be a joke. I guess to me, lots of things I say are meant to be jokes and I find out too late the no one is taking them that way, so I'm trying to be cautious, maybe overly so. Anyway, that's why. It's not like it's personal to the house or anything, or to anyone.

I'm getting this really nifty tankini that my Bo is getting me for Christmas. It's neat. I'll spare you pictures of me in it lest you really lose your lunch.

I got some checks today - my first! They're monopoly checks - super cool.

I really should go get ready for dinner.

Honesty

I have to be completely honest to all my avid readers out there that this morning, I skipped opening entirely, along with dishes, and I'm only writing now because I'm in the middle of writing to a CD-R and I don't want to interrupt it by moving my computer a few hundred yards down the road. I had a couple things that I'd sold on eBay, and I really needed to send them out this morning, so I was doing the shipping labels and stuff this morning during breakfast. I really should have sent them out on Friday, but I didn't get my act together. I hope they're happy though. Hate that nasty negative feedback. So anyway, I'm probably going to be late for school this morning because of this CD, but it's fine. It's my own fault - I could have waited until I got to the Cedar House to do it. I'm just impatient.

I'm getting super excited about going to Europe. I've pretty much decided on a particular tour, I just need to confirm pricing and airfare. It's not the one I linked to a couple of days ago - this one is longer. I just imagine the four days in Corfu to do whatever I want. Wow. Words cannot do it justice.

Ok, done writing, now verifying. Just a couple more minutes.

I'm going to have to start audioblogging so that when I go on my trip, I don't have to have my computer, I can just pick up the phone and leave my blog that way. Of course, that's saying that I have a phone. I also need to get a digital camera before I go. No sweat. I found this cool tankini on eBay. It's a little expensive, I mean, not really, it's $35, but it's cute. I'm going to see if my Bo will by it. Okay, disc done.

Tough bickies

That's a phrase that reminds me of my sister. I remember way-back-when when she used to say that a lot. I am currently alone in my room, a rare thing. Hannah is at the farm and Jessica is returning a video to Delta. I like atmosphere. Right. Let me rephrase. I like to have the space around me a certain way. Neat, dim lighting, candles, music - always I like this, not just when I'm depressed or feeling romantic. It's lovely.

Janelle was saying that Sam is not sticking to his word because he's doing all this other stuff and not trying to stay involved, and he's not the same person. I have to say that is not a big suprise. I mean, I can't say I know what she means really, but I think that anyone who has grown up on a farm and leaves is going to blow some steam. Whether it's enough to run a steam engine to Cincinnati or if it's just a boiling kettle's worth depends on who and why. I can almost assure you I will, if I leave. I trust myself to not do anything terribly crazy, but I might get drunk on my 21st birthday. Do you see what I mean, though? Sure, it's not smiled upon, but it's harmless in the long run.

I've realized that I have an extreme hatred for incorrect spelling or grammar. Reading through some blogs, you see a lot of posts where people don't care in the least. It's a total turn off for me. To me, if someone doesn't care enough to learn to spell or write correctly, I'd just rather not see anything written by them. It's nauseating.

Okay, that may be a little extreme.

Must...have...coffee...

So this is my blog, right?

Okay, well, I figure since I'm not allowed to right whatever I feel like it in that other stupid blog, I'll just forget it and write what I want to in mine.

Right now, I am not impressed with Josiah one bit. I hope you all caught the understatement there. Fact is, I want to shove his head through a window, and beat him up with a baseball bat, and make him realize he's not all he thinks he is. He infuriates me so much. Night before last he was trying desperately to...intimidate me, I guess, through telling me that I didn't want to get in a fight with him because he was king of revenge or whatever, and he just thought he was the cats pants. And then his stupid comment on my post about Hannah in the other blog. I am so sick of Hannah leaving crap all over the room, not making her bed, leaving dishes to rot in the room, and other various things, and if all the vitriolic garbage came out in a short post of bitterness, where I didn't even say anything that rude except to tell her to grow up was just way over the top Mister I-think-my-opinion-about-what's-appropriate-is-the-end-all then go ahead and eat it. But then again, Josiah has really been irritating me for a couple of weeks now, and I can't find it in my heart to de-angryize myself. He just pisses me off so royally sometimes because he comes across like he's the most important thing ever, and then gets this patronizing tone of voice and screws up his face and he makes me want to hit him so badly and it's only the fact that I'm still at least 1/16 Christian that I haven't done so already. And if you read this, Josiah, don't say anything because you'll only make me more mad. Tomorrow when you get home I'll probably be ready to be nice again, but right now I'm not so just don't...whatever.

Chemistry

I am currently in the middle of a test for organic chemistry. It's on alcohols and ethers and their various syntheses and preparations. However, I don't really feel like doing it, so I'm not going to worry about it until later. I really have a couple of days before Ted will realize it's not handed in because we're just dropping it off on the network, and he's overloaded with high school science fair crap. All that to say, I've got some leeway and I plan to take it.

My sister turned 25 today. Big one-quarter of a century. I told her that she and Nathan could give me a big birthday party if I'm down there next Ocotber, especially since it'll be the big 21.

I'm thinking that if I do go down there, I'll try to take an astonomy class from Parkland and maybe try to take some violin lessons. That might be a little embarrassing considering I'm 20 and I've been playing for a really long time but I'm still fairly awful at it. Actually, I am proud of what I've accomplished on my own. I've been playing pretty consistantly for the last year and a half, and I've picked up so much, but I really want to get better at sight-reading and classica pieces. I know that means that I'm going to need some technique help, so I'm going to try to improve that.

Check out this nifty trip I'm thinking about going on this summer. It would be a blast. I would go to Ireland after this. It would be the neatest.

Grease

I feel so fricking fat. Blech. I really hate being fat. Obviously not enough, but oh well, there you have it.

I got so mad tonight. I'm in a super pissy mood, and when I'm like that I don't like people to touch me. When someone did, I tried to be really polite and asked if they would please not touch me. I'm really trying to be nice even if I feel super irritated, so I tried to be nice, but she must have thought it was a big joke because she started poking me with a stupid grin on her face, and I got so mad. She wouldn't see reason, so I stormed off. Then I tried to tell Polk about it because she knows all about the trauma I have with being nice to people when I want to really bite their head off, but a couple of plonkies heard and even after hearing my absolute rage after trying to be polite, just started stroking and poking me. I got so mad I swore at one of them. It's such a predicament, because I try to be nice and then no one takes me seriously, so then I usually skip straight to nasty but then I feel badly. Grrrr.

No title

For those of you who have blogs hosted here, you've probably already seen this, but if you haven't, here's a nifty blog that makes for fun reading.

This interesting site has led me to wonder what it is that makes a good blog. By good, I mean whether or not it has appealed to the masses out there. The honest truth is that I have no idea. I have no idea why people think some blogs are hot and others aren't. I just takes one little thing to push the blog into the limelight. Anyway, my blog is so unfamous that a negative amount of people read it. Which is great. I'd rather not have to guard my anonymity like that. Just give me an open forum and I'm happy. I did try to keep my blog semi-private - meaning the people that I really know and love don't get to see it - but then I gave up because I decided I didn't care.

I've found two nifty sites recently. Great for desktop themes and nifty widgets. Try it, you'll like it. I did. Messed up my stupid system preferences icon in the process, but that was my fault. Can't seem to fix it now. Oh well.

I was on my way to teach the plonkies speech, but I have no one in class today, so I came back. Parkland accepted my application, of course. Not a shocker. I'm an excellent student, have excellent grades, and just want to take a couple of classes. No reason why I shouldn't be accepted. Now we'll see what happens. I still don't know what to do, but I do keep thinking I should go. Grrrr. I'm so tossed to and fro.

I'm trying to get some flights to Ireland. I feel a little unsure about it, but it's fine. I have no doubt it will work out.

Swearing...

...can be so fun. Sorry to all of you out there who think it's evil. It probably is. Anyway, tonight somehow I got into this cynical mood and I just wanted to swear at everyone. It wasn't that I was like mad at anyone in particular, or even that pissy, I just wanted to say bad words. I know that probably doens't make much sense. Story of my life.

So, I've been thinking about my future. No biggie. The thing of it is that it's nice to not feel pressured to make any particular decision. It feels good to have everyone know that I'm keeping my options open and that I'm thinking about it. I feel like I don't have to hide how I feel from anyone, but that I can be blatantly honest with how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling.

How, then, have I been feeling? Different everyday. Literally. Some days I ask myself why I'm still here. The next I'm wondering how I could leave. Sorry, not very insightful.

I am so psycho

Okay, so I know that's not anything new to most people. Whatever.

Oops

I got the van stuck but I don't really feel bad because one couldn't tell if the road had been plowed or not, and I only went like two feet before I realized it wasn't plowed and then it was too late. Oh well.

I just can't help but ask myself if I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life. I should stop, but I'm nigh unto panic. Seriously. I'm living in a constant state of "Oh my God, what have I done?" I keep trying to cheer myself up and I just can't. I'm really really scared. I should try and keep my pants on, but honestly, this is so affecting me.

Holes in my socks

I think my socks are starting to proliferate holes in themselves. Very silly. I hate holes. They used to not bother me at all, but now they drive my crazy. I'll have to go through all of them and do sock disposal/inventory. I'll probably have to get some new ones. Oh well.

I've been into listening to the Corrs recently. I really like their album "Borrowed Heaven."

So, I'm starting to get things in gear for this "next step." I know that's cheesy, but how else does one say it? Anyway, my foremost emotion right now is fear. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm freaked out of my wits. I think of all the resons why I'm here, and while for right now they're not good enough, it's still going to be so hard to go. I'm glad that I can have an interim of something entirely different. Ireland is goinng to be fun. I really want to travel around while I'm over there, of course, but I'm nervous about doing that by myself. I mean, it would be just be for like three weeks. I guess I'll get it figured out.

I think I'm too entirely ruled by fear. Seriously. Thinking back on my short life, one of the driving reasons behind a lot I did, or didn't do, was because I was scared. It's probably why I wasn't a rebellious teenager. Don't get me wrong, I had my foibles, but I never really did anything outrageously bad, or really even mildly bad. You know what I mean. Anyway, I always thought I'd get caught, so I rarely threw caution to the wind. Even now, I think of the things that I think I would get in trouble for, and I just know I'm being silly. Whatever.

Relief

Wow...I talked to Bill, Bette, David and Richard this morning. I mean, I didn't set out to. I was just going to talk to Bette, but you know how these things grow. Anyway, I feel so much better. Thank God.

Garr, how depressing it is

Oh how angry I am right now. Oh how very angry. I think I might have issues. Duh. It seems like this convention just served to make me more disillusioned than I was going in. What's really depressing about that is that I was really hoping for clarity. You can tell by the title of my blog that my life's quest is the search for clarity. Okay, that may be taking it a bit too far, but still... I'm just so confused that it makes me sick to my stomach.

Seriously, I feel like I'm going to ralph. Maybe I just have a bug.

God, help. What do you do when you have things so ingrained in you that no matter how much you want to not believe them anymore, you can't just go fill in the rut? The thing of it is that I know I'll get out of this ditch, and feel glad I'm here again, but then I know with just as much surety that I'll eventually be back where I am now, and the vicissitudes are so constant (if that makes any sense) that I have to ask myself if no matter what my fears are, if I just need to go. I just need to figure it out for myself. I guess the issue is that I just need to grab the courage I need to do it. It takes guts to go. I think that I need to though. I need to just go. Go to college somewhere, go travel, go sit in a coffee shop. I could go to be with Bo.

What bothers me is that all of this is suspiciously familiar. This is exactly what I went through this summer. I mean, exactly. But today, I feel more sure that I just need to go. Before, there was waffling. I wasn't sure of what I really wanted to do. But now, I'm almost positive. God knows how I'll feel three months from now, of course, but there you have it.

I realize that all of this may seem ludicrous, preposterous, stupid, or even slightly insane. Sudden, maybe. I just don't believe that I'm meant to live my life surviving from high mark to high mark, gritting my teeth through the lows. I mean, we all have to do that to some extent. I know that at some point, no matter what I choose to do, I'm going to get to a place where I'll just have to say that I've decided and that's going to have to be the end of the story. However, I don't feel as though I'm at that point because I haven't found the place where I want to put down roots, as it were. So I'm not ashamed of my confusion, I'm just sick of having it.

Maybe I'm just feeling like this because I haven't finished my organic chemistry and I'm taking it down to the wire.

I doubt it.

This morning, in opening, I just didn't want to hear what Bill had to say. I mean, I know that the cross is great and everything, but maybe I'm just not called to the thrid feast. It's a possibility one cannot ignore. What I want isn't some grand infeasible thing. I want to be able to go do my homework at a cool coffee shop, to have a nice apartment with...how about no roommates, just to be safe, to take astronomy classes. My dreams are not big. I just have to ask myself if they're worth the sacrifice, and even I have to ask if I believe that I'm really giving something up by going after them.

If I need to go, then I just need to go.