Oh how angry I am right now. Oh how very angry. I think I might have issues. Duh. It seems like this convention just served to make me more disillusioned than I was going in. What's really depressing about that is that I was really hoping for clarity. You can tell by the title of my blog that my life's quest is the search for clarity. Okay, that may be taking it a bit too far, but still... I'm just so confused that it makes me sick to my stomach.
Seriously, I feel like I'm going to ralph. Maybe I just have a bug.
God, help. What do you do when you have things so ingrained in you that no matter how much you want to not believe them anymore, you can't just go fill in the rut? The thing of it is that I know I'll get out of this ditch, and feel glad I'm here again, but then I know with just as much surety that I'll eventually be back where I am now, and the vicissitudes are so constant (if that makes any sense) that I have to ask myself if no matter what my fears are, if I just need to go. I just need to figure it out for myself. I guess the issue is that I just need to grab the courage I need to do it. It takes guts to go. I think that I need to though. I need to just go. Go to college somewhere, go travel, go sit in a coffee shop. I could go to be with Bo.
What bothers me is that all of this is suspiciously familiar. This is exactly what I went through this summer. I mean, exactly. But today, I feel more sure that I just need to go. Before, there was waffling. I wasn't sure of what I really wanted to do. But now, I'm almost positive. God knows how I'll feel three months from now, of course, but there you have it.
I realize that all of this may seem ludicrous, preposterous, stupid, or even slightly insane. Sudden, maybe. I just don't believe that I'm meant to live my life surviving from high mark to high mark, gritting my teeth through the lows. I mean, we all have to do that to some extent. I know that at some point, no matter what I choose to do, I'm going to get to a place where I'll just have to say that I've decided and that's going to have to be the end of the story. However, I don't feel as though I'm at that point because I haven't found the place where I want to put down roots, as it were. So I'm not ashamed of my confusion, I'm just sick of having it.
Maybe I'm just feeling like this because I haven't finished my organic chemistry and I'm taking it down to the wire.
I doubt it.
This morning, in opening, I just didn't want to hear what Bill had to say. I mean, I know that the cross is great and everything, but maybe I'm just not called to the thrid feast. It's a possibility one cannot ignore. What I want isn't some grand infeasible thing. I want to be able to go do my homework at a cool coffee shop, to have a nice apartment with...how about no roommates, just to be safe, to take astronomy classes. My dreams are not big. I just have to ask myself if they're worth the sacrifice, and even I have to ask if I believe that I'm really giving something up by going after them.
If I need to go, then I just need to go.
1 comment:
Wow... well maybe this is part of the clarity process... you are so much braver than I. Bravo. I could never even let my mind wander to such extemities before recently. Anyway, all the warning sirens still blare when the thought arises. Cheers to someone who can see past the stigma! Whatever happens, I think that clarity is the key. Being able to say in a clear and understandable way that what you are doing is what you feel you should be doing and why. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Post a Comment