What's wrong with...

...wanting something I can't have? I'll tell you what's wrong with it - I spend all my mental energies thinking about how much I want it, and don't have time to ponder the more meaningful things in life. There are only a few things that I want desperately. There have been little things, this and that, but I've never believed that I would be happy if I could only have them. But these couple of things - I know that I think I would be satisfied if only I could. I'm sure I would have a raft of different problems, but at least they wouldn't be the one's I've already worn out having. Give me something different to fight for a change. Sometimes I think I would rather have a crisis on my hands - at least then I'd know where the battle was, I would be in battle mode, as it were. But day after day, it's the same old crap. Stupid stuff, over and over. I hate it.

Sorry, Bo, I was actually going to try to make this a happy blog post - for your sake.

School is over in...six weeks, I think. I need for it desperately to be finished. I'm excited about going to Europe this summer. Tomorrow I'm going Fairbanks to see a concert of the opera Carmen. It's really not going to be acted out, just kind of a showcase. It should be fun - the whole choir is going.

Going to have a party to welcome home Amanda.

Wow, anger

It's so frustrating to be in a class where the teacher won't even let you get a question out. I understand not wanting to get into things if they're a bit of a rabbit trail, but at least let the student get a word in edgewise. It's especially frustrating when, as a college student, I want to know why I'm learning specific things and how I would use them in the real world, but when the teacher won't even let me ask and assumes I just don't want to learn, that makes me want to shut down and definitely not listen to a thing he's saying. Therefore, I am writing this blog post as Ted blabbers on about oxidation and reduction. I don't care about it, honestly. The only reason I care about this class is to pass it. So, I got a 97 - yay. I don't care what I did wrong and don't want to spend time talking about it, especially when I can't even ask the questions that matter to me and he just goes on and on about what he thinks is important. Grrr.

That felt good to get that out.

Where does it all end?

Had an irritating conversation with Jon Bailey last week. I've been trying to approach it from the right angle, because I don't believe that there is nothing to be learned from the most frustrating circumstances. However, it's difficult not to just be frustrated and ignore it completely. I just don't understand where he gets off being irritated at me for me own personal struggles. Since when was it his right to get irritated? Since never, that's when. I just don't understand how he could be saying to completely opposing things in one conversation. First he says I'll regret it if i stay here and then he says I should stay here because God said. Sounds to me like he thinks I should stay but I shouldn't stay because I'll regret it so go and disobey God. He doesn't leave me any options! How am I supposed to be helped by a conversation like that? Do anyone understand how truly frustrating this is? God!

On to bigger things...or not...

I'm so excited for Janelle, but while she's my best friend, I often envy her. I live my life surrounded by skinny, in-shape, or generally good-looking people. I'm suffering from a severe relapse of insecurity. Going through one of those how-dare-I-breathe-the-air-and-take-up-space phases. There are things that I will never be able to change about myself, and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I'm embarrassed just to show up in the morning, sure that somebody is noticing how fat I am, or how ugly I am, or how stupid I am. Isn't that dumb? What it is is self-centered. It's all about me. Wow - the whole head is sick.

I need coffee - I need it now and I need it desperately.

Just perusing

I was just looking at that blog from David Duchovny. Interesting. I think it's a great idea for people who are very well-known, to the point of being unreachable. It makes them seem much more real and in touch with their fans.

I haven't done a stitch of homework this weekend. I'm probably going to get lambasted tomorrow, but we'll see if I can hide it. I may be able to, but I'll still regret having to catch up this week.

I watched a super dumb movie this weekend - Vanity Fair. It has Reese Witherspoon in it. It was awful. Hated it. Ended terribly. It had a really good looking guy in it though. Played a terrible part.

I wish I had a great talent to be someone famous. Oh well, won't ever happen I'm sure.

I'm so tired - I should go to bed.

Nastiness

Just watched a movie called "Carolina." I cried super hard. I'm like that with movies, though. It was good.

Sick of being at home. Stupid, conisdering I've only been at home one day. Hopefully I'll recover over the weekend. I'm so sick of being sick. I've been ill for like a week and a half. So dumb.

I should go to bed. I'm so tired, but I need to take a shower. Don't really feel like it, though.

I feel nice, like sugar and spice

Actually, truth be told, I feel like hell. I thought I was better, but then I woke up this morning and I am just a sick puppy. Got a terrible cough and a headache. And, I have to walk the delta this morning and it is very windy - terribly windy. And, then I have to go to Fairbanks, which will be fine, but I just wish I could stay in bed all day. It's so pooey.

On the bright side, the geometry class is doing a nice job on their blueprints, and so far I haven't had to play the mean teacher. I'm making some yummy coffee, which I probably don't need but I feel like I do, so I'm making it.

I spend so much of my life thinking about and dwelling on all the terrible things about myself. It's such an ingrained habit that I find myself needing someone else to tell me something good about myself because I know I'll always be down on myself. So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell. No, but seriously, that's why I strive to be good at so many things, and get terribly down when I don't progress - like the violin, or the piano. I feel like those are things that people will notice if I'm good at, so I want to get better so I can hear nice things about myself. I don't think of being good at chemistry as something that will get me noticed and applauded, so I throw it off as being of no account. I know this all sounds really dumb, but it's honest. It's funny how much one can know that the way one thinks about things is silly, but it still doesn't change anything.

Matt, one of my geometry students, is daring me to drink my 2-methylpentene solution. I told him I don't drink toxic crap like that. Gotta go.

Nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy

That's what we're doing in Fairbanks tomorrow. Ted, Lisa and I are all going up to do NMR on the 2-methylpentenes that we made the other day. Neato. Eating out is going on the grant - hohoho, and a bottle of rum.

I'm rethinking the idea of college here. It would be really cool to take some music classes. I'm thinking of doing that. I don't know. I like the idea. Dunno.

A new day

I had a mental culmination yesterday - an epiphany, as it were. It was good, and yet a "good" backed up by a "you have a lot of work to do yet." At least I'm not having panic attacks anymore. Seriously, it was bad - everytime I thought about my future, it was like my chest got all tight and I couldn't take deep breaths. Talk about too much stress. I guess I was able, in a moment of clarity, step back and see where I first went off the path. I asked myself how it was that I got so far off-course. Somehow the issue had become me, when the issue is not me. And believe me, when the issue is me, things go bad. I open little doors, just a crack, and before I can blink I'm so far off-course that it's like trying to double the Cape Good Hope in a typhoon. I don't want to care that much. I don't mean that in a bad way. Sometimes caring too much is a big problem.

I really need to clean my room.

Sick and tired

That's me. I've been at home all day sick. Yesterday, I was totally fine until right at the end of choir, when I got a raging headache that made me sick to my stomach. I tried to go to lab, but to no avail, and so I tried to sleep upstairs and that was to no avail too, so I went to dinner and then came home and just felt terrible. So, I've been home sleeping all day. I'm trying to do some homework...I didn't go to service, but I think it's over because people are coming online. This stupid book - Life in the Cold - is so amazing. Why would someone devote their life to this kind of stuff. Did you know there is a complicated mathematical formula for the thermal conductivity of snow packs?

I'm talking to my sister. I feel so badly because she so wants me to come down to Illinois, and I just can't make the decision. Then there are people who want me to stay here, and I can't seem to decide that either. And then, if I ignore the outside pressure entirely, there's me sitting in the middle thinking that I want to do all of them.

I'm still working on the Moonlight Sonata. I really like it. It makes me happy.

I'm so tired.

Every thing we've ever stolen has been lost, returned or broken

A joy to be back from tournament. I had an okay time. For some reason I got to thinking about a lot of different stuff. Reminded me how vitriolic and cynical I can be. I am so tired of this. God, why does this happen? Why can I not know what is right? Why does this stuff have to be so difficult? Everything is so dumb. How come everyone else I know seems to have an overriding desire to do whatever it is they end up doing and they can be so sure? I mean, people who go off to college really want to go and barely thing twice about if it's "right," and people I know who are here have made some sort of unearthly decision that they need to be here. Dumb.

On an entirely different note, I am so proud of Ben for winning DX this tournament. I hope he keeps it up through State. That would be so awesome. I know he can do it. I did it - won the third tournament and then won at State. Yay for Ben. Wish I could go to Nationals, but alas, I'm going to be galavanting around Europe. Hohoho.

I managed to get seven organic chem problems done in about an hour and a half last night. I was very proud of myself, but I must admit that they were also rather easy. I actually did have some trouble on the last problem and need a little guidance, but I don't feel badly because they were complex syntheses from 2-pentene into various octynes and butynes. Whatever.

Interesting talk with Nathan on the way home from tournament yesterday. Made me angry. I'll get over it, but it still made me mad. I hate thinking about depressing things and remembering how bitter I am about stuff. I'd rather stuff it under the couch cushions and forget about it. I am well aware that it doesn't solve anything and it won't go away - it will still sit under the cushions and rot. I don't need a freaking mentor - there's nothing anyone can tell me that I don't already know, thus it's a waste of time to listen to the same things over and over again. I may hold on to stuff from years ago, but it doesn't affect my relationship with those people. Even as I write that I know it's not true. In little ways, I remember - I have a little less respect, am more likely to place blame, ever-so-slightly less likely to forgive. What a joke. What a big fat joke.

The road has done gone and melted

I can't believe it! Middle of March and the road has decided it has stuck around long enough! The absolute nerve. Anyway, it's quite a calamity. None of the fertilizer is here, three truckloads of building supplies are yet to come, and copier man hasn't had a chance to fix the printers. Oh well, you learn to live with stuff like this after a while. Walking season, here we come!

At home on a Sunday night

I made a half-hearted attempt to do some homework tonight, but since I did homework all day I didn't really get into it. Instead, I read a couple pages in a book that I'm sending out in the mail because I sold it on eBay, watched the pilot from Dead Like Me, and perused blogs. Most of the house is downstairs watching The Manchurian Candidate. I didn't really have any desire to see it. Hannah came up about 40 minutes into it saying it was scaring her (not a big suprise) and went to bed.

Beautiful song - Road to Mandalay, Robbie Williams

Wow, I should just give up and go to bed. It's only 10:30, but hey, why not? Not likely to do anything else useful tonight, so I may as well. I wish I could have three days completely to myself to do whatever whenever with whomever. Total heaven.

I've been meaning to call Sam for the past week, and just haven't gotten around to it. He took some kind of test that is something important in the police process, and I wanted to know how it went, but I just haven't called yet. Heard he was in Fairbanks this weekend. Should have called while he was driving back to Anchorage.

There's another speech tournament coming up this weekend. Nika's not going - I will miss her. Oh well.

Okay, going to bed

Squeak

I just needed to say that I finally figured out what was wrong with my squeak! Simply a matter of a bow to tight. Yay!

Springtime

The light is gaining speedily. As much as Larry the Duck may wish it, the warm rays of springtime are still a good two months away. It's finally staying light until 6 pm, and it's actually light walking to class at 8 am. Now, light isn't to say the sun's up, just that it's thinking about coming up. Anyway, spring doesn't arrive in full force until the beginning of May. Gotta love this state, man.

Do you ever feel like you're floating on this sea of uncertainty? It sucks big time.

In choir, we've been learning some of Anton Bruckner's motets. They're all accapella, which has never been our strong point, but we're doing alright. So far, we've done Christus factus est, Os justi, Ave Maria, and Locus iste. Anyway, check them out sometime, if you can find them anywhere - they're very pretty. I like the first page of Os justi, and the second page of Ave Maria and something else from Christus factus est, but I can't remember which part. Yesterday we were all terribly off key, and it was kind of frustrating, so I was glad to get out of there.

I've been trying to practice some more on my violin. I'm stuck on some Bach minuets because I just can't get rid of the squeak. It's so irritating. It's like, I can read the music, I know how to play it, but it just sounds bad because I squeak terribly if I try to play up to speed. I've also been practising Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on the piano. I've got Fur Elise down so pat that the more I play it the worse I get. So, I decided to finish this sonata that I started learning last year but never finished. Now, that's fun.

My sister has been looking at these apartments for me that are down the street from her and Nathan. The one bedroom one bathroom apartments are going for a good price, so I hope one is available when I finally decide what I'm going to do. I mean, I am really making plans to stay down in Illinois, but I have not committed to it. I mean, I sort of have, but I just don't know yet. I just don't know. It's irritating because if I'm going to go down there, I have to start thinking that way so my options can be open, but whenever I think about really going, I just feel yucky. After living in close proximity to all these people. all of whom I know and love, I know I'll be lonely and bored and sad. No offense, Bo, but it just will be. I don't think it's fear, it's just heart-wrenching.