My blog is my comfort zone. I feel free to say and be whatever I want because to me, it's my space to talk. Although, given the way word gets around, there will always be things that I just won't say, I still feel as though it's my time. This is my forum. How liberating.
In my heart, I think I'm gone. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time. But as plans become more concrete, I get more excited about it. I cringe, though, every time I think of how I won't see these people again until God knows when - Janelle gets married? I don't know. That's the hardest part, and it's taken me a long time to really see that my friends aren't enough. I've been able to say that from my head for quite awhile, but I've only really believed it recently. Probably because I'm at the point where my desire to go is more than my desire to stay with my friends. I guess inside I've always thought that being with the people I love was the most important thing, but it's not. Not anymore. Even if I was going where none of my family was, the point still holds that the relationships, no matter how long I've spent building them, are not enough. In the long run, nothing will ever be enough, but I know I'm going to have to go about believing that the hard way. I know that my desires for my life will never fulfill me and they won't make me happy if I accomplish them, but I don't believe it. So, I'm going to go out and prove to myself that I'm still miserable even when I have everything I ever dreamed of. In the end, nothing will ever be enough without fulfillment from somewhere entirely outside of myself. I will never be happy satisfying myself. Somewhere along the way, I will do something completely selfless, not caring what happens to me, to my life, to my dreams - then I will be happy. But I know that will only happen when I've realized that I'm never going to be content doing what I've always wanted to do. I know that sounds a bit depressing, but it doesn't make me sad. Just because I know what I will learn at the end doesn't mean I won't have some fun times learning what I already know.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Really quickly
I wonder what it is about myself that makes me so irritable. Honestly, I'm just a nasty person to be around sometimes. I get so mad so easily, like everything is going to fall apart because someone made me mad. What's the most frustrating thing is that no matter how much I set my mind to be a nicer person, and to be more patient person, I always end up falling apart. The thing of it is that I think I'm getting worse. I used to be periodically cynical and sarcastic, but now the smallest thing can set me off. I really don't want to be this way, and I hope it's just because I've got a lot on my mind these days.
I've decided to eat just salad for the next three months. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I think I'm getting fatter. It's very frustrating.
I've decided to eat just salad for the next three months. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I think I'm getting fatter. It's very frustrating.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Interesting happenings
I didn't really know what to think of Jessica's blog post. I mean, to me, that's hardly the thing our blog needed. I know it was meant to be a joke, but I just don't think it's useful when we just got over a big hunda. I mean, to me, it would have been funny if she had chosen things to say that were funny, but most of them were all too true, you know? So I guess to me, it sounded like she was really letting it all out. It's fine, but the way it came out sounded more hateful then funny. Whatever.
I just finished chemistry lab. We were doing all sorts of tests on various alcohols, as well as trying to finish distilling the alcohol we made. Yay. Next week we have to fractionally distill our current distillate, do a couple more tests and then we're done. One more week without lab book homework! Oh yeah, except for the previous one on chromatography - still have to do that one. Dang.
The only reason I left the other blog is, well, really because I decided I just didn't want the extra hunda it was causing. I mean, the idea was really cool, but I just don't want to cause more problems than there are already. I mean, I tried to tell Polk, you know, using the whole "talk to the person, don't just comment and write more if you have a problem" thing, but she just thanked me for saying something and said she didn't care, it was just meant to be a joke. I guess to me, lots of things I say are meant to be jokes and I find out too late the no one is taking them that way, so I'm trying to be cautious, maybe overly so. Anyway, that's why. It's not like it's personal to the house or anything, or to anyone.
I'm getting this really nifty tankini that my Bo is getting me for Christmas. It's neat. I'll spare you pictures of me in it lest you really lose your lunch.
I got some checks today - my first! They're monopoly checks - super cool.
I really should go get ready for dinner.
I just finished chemistry lab. We were doing all sorts of tests on various alcohols, as well as trying to finish distilling the alcohol we made. Yay. Next week we have to fractionally distill our current distillate, do a couple more tests and then we're done. One more week without lab book homework! Oh yeah, except for the previous one on chromatography - still have to do that one. Dang.
The only reason I left the other blog is, well, really because I decided I just didn't want the extra hunda it was causing. I mean, the idea was really cool, but I just don't want to cause more problems than there are already. I mean, I tried to tell Polk, you know, using the whole "talk to the person, don't just comment and write more if you have a problem" thing, but she just thanked me for saying something and said she didn't care, it was just meant to be a joke. I guess to me, lots of things I say are meant to be jokes and I find out too late the no one is taking them that way, so I'm trying to be cautious, maybe overly so. Anyway, that's why. It's not like it's personal to the house or anything, or to anyone.
I'm getting this really nifty tankini that my Bo is getting me for Christmas. It's neat. I'll spare you pictures of me in it lest you really lose your lunch.
I got some checks today - my first! They're monopoly checks - super cool.
I really should go get ready for dinner.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Honesty
I have to be completely honest to all my avid readers out there that this morning, I skipped opening entirely, along with dishes, and I'm only writing now because I'm in the middle of writing to a CD-R and I don't want to interrupt it by moving my computer a few hundred yards down the road. I had a couple things that I'd sold on eBay, and I really needed to send them out this morning, so I was doing the shipping labels and stuff this morning during breakfast. I really should have sent them out on Friday, but I didn't get my act together. I hope they're happy though. Hate that nasty negative feedback. So anyway, I'm probably going to be late for school this morning because of this CD, but it's fine. It's my own fault - I could have waited until I got to the Cedar House to do it. I'm just impatient.
I'm getting super excited about going to Europe. I've pretty much decided on a particular tour, I just need to confirm pricing and airfare. It's not the one I linked to a couple of days ago - this one is longer. I just imagine the four days in Corfu to do whatever I want. Wow. Words cannot do it justice.
Ok, done writing, now verifying. Just a couple more minutes.
I'm going to have to start audioblogging so that when I go on my trip, I don't have to have my computer, I can just pick up the phone and leave my blog that way. Of course, that's saying that I have a phone. I also need to get a digital camera before I go. No sweat. I found this cool tankini on eBay. It's a little expensive, I mean, not really, it's $35, but it's cute. I'm going to see if my Bo will by it. Okay, disc done.
I'm getting super excited about going to Europe. I've pretty much decided on a particular tour, I just need to confirm pricing and airfare. It's not the one I linked to a couple of days ago - this one is longer. I just imagine the four days in Corfu to do whatever I want. Wow. Words cannot do it justice.
Ok, done writing, now verifying. Just a couple more minutes.
I'm going to have to start audioblogging so that when I go on my trip, I don't have to have my computer, I can just pick up the phone and leave my blog that way. Of course, that's saying that I have a phone. I also need to get a digital camera before I go. No sweat. I found this cool tankini on eBay. It's a little expensive, I mean, not really, it's $35, but it's cute. I'm going to see if my Bo will by it. Okay, disc done.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Tough bickies
That's a phrase that reminds me of my sister. I remember way-back-when when she used to say that a lot. I am currently alone in my room, a rare thing. Hannah is at the farm and Jessica is returning a video to Delta. I like atmosphere. Right. Let me rephrase. I like to have the space around me a certain way. Neat, dim lighting, candles, music - always I like this, not just when I'm depressed or feeling romantic. It's lovely.
Janelle was saying that Sam is not sticking to his word because he's doing all this other stuff and not trying to stay involved, and he's not the same person. I have to say that is not a big suprise. I mean, I can't say I know what she means really, but I think that anyone who has grown up on a farm and leaves is going to blow some steam. Whether it's enough to run a steam engine to Cincinnati or if it's just a boiling kettle's worth depends on who and why. I can almost assure you I will, if I leave. I trust myself to not do anything terribly crazy, but I might get drunk on my 21st birthday. Do you see what I mean, though? Sure, it's not smiled upon, but it's harmless in the long run.
I've realized that I have an extreme hatred for incorrect spelling or grammar. Reading through some blogs, you see a lot of posts where people don't care in the least. It's a total turn off for me. To me, if someone doesn't care enough to learn to spell or write correctly, I'd just rather not see anything written by them. It's nauseating.
Okay, that may be a little extreme.
Must...have...coffee...
Janelle was saying that Sam is not sticking to his word because he's doing all this other stuff and not trying to stay involved, and he's not the same person. I have to say that is not a big suprise. I mean, I can't say I know what she means really, but I think that anyone who has grown up on a farm and leaves is going to blow some steam. Whether it's enough to run a steam engine to Cincinnati or if it's just a boiling kettle's worth depends on who and why. I can almost assure you I will, if I leave. I trust myself to not do anything terribly crazy, but I might get drunk on my 21st birthday. Do you see what I mean, though? Sure, it's not smiled upon, but it's harmless in the long run.
I've realized that I have an extreme hatred for incorrect spelling or grammar. Reading through some blogs, you see a lot of posts where people don't care in the least. It's a total turn off for me. To me, if someone doesn't care enough to learn to spell or write correctly, I'd just rather not see anything written by them. It's nauseating.
Okay, that may be a little extreme.
Must...have...coffee...
Saturday, February 19, 2005
So this is my blog, right?
Okay, well, I figure since I'm not allowed to right whatever I feel like it in that other stupid blog, I'll just forget it and write what I want to in mine.
Right now, I am not impressed with Josiah one bit. I hope you all caught the understatement there. Fact is, I want to shove his head through a window, and beat him up with a baseball bat, and make him realize he's not all he thinks he is. He infuriates me so much. Night before last he was trying desperately to...intimidate me, I guess, through telling me that I didn't want to get in a fight with him because he was king of revenge or whatever, and he just thought he was the cats pants. And then his stupid comment on my post about Hannah in the other blog. I am so sick of Hannah leaving crap all over the room, not making her bed, leaving dishes to rot in the room, and other various things, and if all the vitriolic garbage came out in a short post of bitterness, where I didn't even say anything that rude except to tell her to grow up was just way over the top Mister I-think-my-opinion-about-what's-appropriate-is-the-end-all then go ahead and eat it. But then again, Josiah has really been irritating me for a couple of weeks now, and I can't find it in my heart to de-angryize myself. He just pisses me off so royally sometimes because he comes across like he's the most important thing ever, and then gets this patronizing tone of voice and screws up his face and he makes me want to hit him so badly and it's only the fact that I'm still at least 1/16 Christian that I haven't done so already. And if you read this, Josiah, don't say anything because you'll only make me more mad. Tomorrow when you get home I'll probably be ready to be nice again, but right now I'm not so just don't...whatever.
Right now, I am not impressed with Josiah one bit. I hope you all caught the understatement there. Fact is, I want to shove his head through a window, and beat him up with a baseball bat, and make him realize he's not all he thinks he is. He infuriates me so much. Night before last he was trying desperately to...intimidate me, I guess, through telling me that I didn't want to get in a fight with him because he was king of revenge or whatever, and he just thought he was the cats pants. And then his stupid comment on my post about Hannah in the other blog. I am so sick of Hannah leaving crap all over the room, not making her bed, leaving dishes to rot in the room, and other various things, and if all the vitriolic garbage came out in a short post of bitterness, where I didn't even say anything that rude except to tell her to grow up was just way over the top Mister I-think-my-opinion-about-what's-appropriate-is-the-end-all then go ahead and eat it. But then again, Josiah has really been irritating me for a couple of weeks now, and I can't find it in my heart to de-angryize myself. He just pisses me off so royally sometimes because he comes across like he's the most important thing ever, and then gets this patronizing tone of voice and screws up his face and he makes me want to hit him so badly and it's only the fact that I'm still at least 1/16 Christian that I haven't done so already. And if you read this, Josiah, don't say anything because you'll only make me more mad. Tomorrow when you get home I'll probably be ready to be nice again, but right now I'm not so just don't...whatever.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Chemistry
I am currently in the middle of a test for organic chemistry. It's on alcohols and ethers and their various syntheses and preparations. However, I don't really feel like doing it, so I'm not going to worry about it until later. I really have a couple of days before Ted will realize it's not handed in because we're just dropping it off on the network, and he's overloaded with high school science fair crap. All that to say, I've got some leeway and I plan to take it.
My sister turned 25 today. Big one-quarter of a century. I told her that she and Nathan could give me a big birthday party if I'm down there next Ocotber, especially since it'll be the big 21.
I'm thinking that if I do go down there, I'll try to take an astonomy class from Parkland and maybe try to take some violin lessons. That might be a little embarrassing considering I'm 20 and I've been playing for a really long time but I'm still fairly awful at it. Actually, I am proud of what I've accomplished on my own. I've been playing pretty consistantly for the last year and a half, and I've picked up so much, but I really want to get better at sight-reading and classica pieces. I know that means that I'm going to need some technique help, so I'm going to try to improve that.
Check out this nifty trip I'm thinking about going on this summer. It would be a blast. I would go to Ireland after this. It would be the neatest.
My sister turned 25 today. Big one-quarter of a century. I told her that she and Nathan could give me a big birthday party if I'm down there next Ocotber, especially since it'll be the big 21.
I'm thinking that if I do go down there, I'll try to take an astonomy class from Parkland and maybe try to take some violin lessons. That might be a little embarrassing considering I'm 20 and I've been playing for a really long time but I'm still fairly awful at it. Actually, I am proud of what I've accomplished on my own. I've been playing pretty consistantly for the last year and a half, and I've picked up so much, but I really want to get better at sight-reading and classica pieces. I know that means that I'm going to need some technique help, so I'm going to try to improve that.
Check out this nifty trip I'm thinking about going on this summer. It would be a blast. I would go to Ireland after this. It would be the neatest.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Grease
I feel so fricking fat. Blech. I really hate being fat. Obviously not enough, but oh well, there you have it.
I got so mad tonight. I'm in a super pissy mood, and when I'm like that I don't like people to touch me. When someone did, I tried to be really polite and asked if they would please not touch me. I'm really trying to be nice even if I feel super irritated, so I tried to be nice, but she must have thought it was a big joke because she started poking me with a stupid grin on her face, and I got so mad. She wouldn't see reason, so I stormed off. Then I tried to tell Polk about it because she knows all about the trauma I have with being nice to people when I want to really bite their head off, but a couple of plonkies heard and even after hearing my absolute rage after trying to be polite, just started stroking and poking me. I got so mad I swore at one of them. It's such a predicament, because I try to be nice and then no one takes me seriously, so then I usually skip straight to nasty but then I feel badly. Grrrr.
I got so mad tonight. I'm in a super pissy mood, and when I'm like that I don't like people to touch me. When someone did, I tried to be really polite and asked if they would please not touch me. I'm really trying to be nice even if I feel super irritated, so I tried to be nice, but she must have thought it was a big joke because she started poking me with a stupid grin on her face, and I got so mad. She wouldn't see reason, so I stormed off. Then I tried to tell Polk about it because she knows all about the trauma I have with being nice to people when I want to really bite their head off, but a couple of plonkies heard and even after hearing my absolute rage after trying to be polite, just started stroking and poking me. I got so mad I swore at one of them. It's such a predicament, because I try to be nice and then no one takes me seriously, so then I usually skip straight to nasty but then I feel badly. Grrrr.
Monday, February 14, 2005
No title
For those of you who have blogs hosted here, you've probably already seen this, but if you haven't, here's a nifty blog that makes for fun reading.
This interesting site has led me to wonder what it is that makes a good blog. By good, I mean whether or not it has appealed to the masses out there. The honest truth is that I have no idea. I have no idea why people think some blogs are hot and others aren't. I just takes one little thing to push the blog into the limelight. Anyway, my blog is so unfamous that a negative amount of people read it. Which is great. I'd rather not have to guard my anonymity like that. Just give me an open forum and I'm happy. I did try to keep my blog semi-private - meaning the people that I really know and love don't get to see it - but then I gave up because I decided I didn't care.
I've found two nifty sites recently. Great for desktop themes and nifty widgets. Try it, you'll like it. I did. Messed up my stupid system preferences icon in the process, but that was my fault. Can't seem to fix it now. Oh well.
I was on my way to teach the plonkies speech, but I have no one in class today, so I came back. Parkland accepted my application, of course. Not a shocker. I'm an excellent student, have excellent grades, and just want to take a couple of classes. No reason why I shouldn't be accepted. Now we'll see what happens. I still don't know what to do, but I do keep thinking I should go. Grrrr. I'm so tossed to and fro.
I'm trying to get some flights to Ireland. I feel a little unsure about it, but it's fine. I have no doubt it will work out.
This interesting site has led me to wonder what it is that makes a good blog. By good, I mean whether or not it has appealed to the masses out there. The honest truth is that I have no idea. I have no idea why people think some blogs are hot and others aren't. I just takes one little thing to push the blog into the limelight. Anyway, my blog is so unfamous that a negative amount of people read it. Which is great. I'd rather not have to guard my anonymity like that. Just give me an open forum and I'm happy. I did try to keep my blog semi-private - meaning the people that I really know and love don't get to see it - but then I gave up because I decided I didn't care.
I've found two nifty sites recently. Great for desktop themes and nifty widgets. Try it, you'll like it. I did. Messed up my stupid system preferences icon in the process, but that was my fault. Can't seem to fix it now. Oh well.
I was on my way to teach the plonkies speech, but I have no one in class today, so I came back. Parkland accepted my application, of course. Not a shocker. I'm an excellent student, have excellent grades, and just want to take a couple of classes. No reason why I shouldn't be accepted. Now we'll see what happens. I still don't know what to do, but I do keep thinking I should go. Grrrr. I'm so tossed to and fro.
I'm trying to get some flights to Ireland. I feel a little unsure about it, but it's fine. I have no doubt it will work out.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Swearing...
...can be so fun. Sorry to all of you out there who think it's evil. It probably is. Anyway, tonight somehow I got into this cynical mood and I just wanted to swear at everyone. It wasn't that I was like mad at anyone in particular, or even that pissy, I just wanted to say bad words. I know that probably doens't make much sense. Story of my life.
So, I've been thinking about my future. No biggie. The thing of it is that it's nice to not feel pressured to make any particular decision. It feels good to have everyone know that I'm keeping my options open and that I'm thinking about it. I feel like I don't have to hide how I feel from anyone, but that I can be blatantly honest with how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling.
How, then, have I been feeling? Different everyday. Literally. Some days I ask myself why I'm still here. The next I'm wondering how I could leave. Sorry, not very insightful.
So, I've been thinking about my future. No biggie. The thing of it is that it's nice to not feel pressured to make any particular decision. It feels good to have everyone know that I'm keeping my options open and that I'm thinking about it. I feel like I don't have to hide how I feel from anyone, but that I can be blatantly honest with how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling.
How, then, have I been feeling? Different everyday. Literally. Some days I ask myself why I'm still here. The next I'm wondering how I could leave. Sorry, not very insightful.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Friday, February 04, 2005
Oops
I got the van stuck but I don't really feel bad because one couldn't tell if the road had been plowed or not, and I only went like two feet before I realized it wasn't plowed and then it was too late. Oh well.
I just can't help but ask myself if I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life. I should stop, but I'm nigh unto panic. Seriously. I'm living in a constant state of "Oh my God, what have I done?" I keep trying to cheer myself up and I just can't. I'm really really scared. I should try and keep my pants on, but honestly, this is so affecting me.
I just can't help but ask myself if I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life. I should stop, but I'm nigh unto panic. Seriously. I'm living in a constant state of "Oh my God, what have I done?" I keep trying to cheer myself up and I just can't. I'm really really scared. I should try and keep my pants on, but honestly, this is so affecting me.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Holes in my socks
I think my socks are starting to proliferate holes in themselves. Very silly. I hate holes. They used to not bother me at all, but now they drive my crazy. I'll have to go through all of them and do sock disposal/inventory. I'll probably have to get some new ones. Oh well.
I've been into listening to the Corrs recently. I really like their album "Borrowed Heaven."
So, I'm starting to get things in gear for this "next step." I know that's cheesy, but how else does one say it? Anyway, my foremost emotion right now is fear. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm freaked out of my wits. I think of all the resons why I'm here, and while for right now they're not good enough, it's still going to be so hard to go. I'm glad that I can have an interim of something entirely different. Ireland is goinng to be fun. I really want to travel around while I'm over there, of course, but I'm nervous about doing that by myself. I mean, it would be just be for like three weeks. I guess I'll get it figured out.
I think I'm too entirely ruled by fear. Seriously. Thinking back on my short life, one of the driving reasons behind a lot I did, or didn't do, was because I was scared. It's probably why I wasn't a rebellious teenager. Don't get me wrong, I had my foibles, but I never really did anything outrageously bad, or really even mildly bad. You know what I mean. Anyway, I always thought I'd get caught, so I rarely threw caution to the wind. Even now, I think of the things that I think I would get in trouble for, and I just know I'm being silly. Whatever.
I've been into listening to the Corrs recently. I really like their album "Borrowed Heaven."
So, I'm starting to get things in gear for this "next step." I know that's cheesy, but how else does one say it? Anyway, my foremost emotion right now is fear. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm freaked out of my wits. I think of all the resons why I'm here, and while for right now they're not good enough, it's still going to be so hard to go. I'm glad that I can have an interim of something entirely different. Ireland is goinng to be fun. I really want to travel around while I'm over there, of course, but I'm nervous about doing that by myself. I mean, it would be just be for like three weeks. I guess I'll get it figured out.
I think I'm too entirely ruled by fear. Seriously. Thinking back on my short life, one of the driving reasons behind a lot I did, or didn't do, was because I was scared. It's probably why I wasn't a rebellious teenager. Don't get me wrong, I had my foibles, but I never really did anything outrageously bad, or really even mildly bad. You know what I mean. Anyway, I always thought I'd get caught, so I rarely threw caution to the wind. Even now, I think of the things that I think I would get in trouble for, and I just know I'm being silly. Whatever.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Relief
Wow...I talked to Bill, Bette, David and Richard this morning. I mean, I didn't set out to. I was just going to talk to Bette, but you know how these things grow. Anyway, I feel so much better. Thank God.
Garr, how depressing it is
Oh how angry I am right now. Oh how very angry. I think I might have issues. Duh. It seems like this convention just served to make me more disillusioned than I was going in. What's really depressing about that is that I was really hoping for clarity. You can tell by the title of my blog that my life's quest is the search for clarity. Okay, that may be taking it a bit too far, but still... I'm just so confused that it makes me sick to my stomach.
Seriously, I feel like I'm going to ralph. Maybe I just have a bug.
God, help. What do you do when you have things so ingrained in you that no matter how much you want to not believe them anymore, you can't just go fill in the rut? The thing of it is that I know I'll get out of this ditch, and feel glad I'm here again, but then I know with just as much surety that I'll eventually be back where I am now, and the vicissitudes are so constant (if that makes any sense) that I have to ask myself if no matter what my fears are, if I just need to go. I just need to figure it out for myself. I guess the issue is that I just need to grab the courage I need to do it. It takes guts to go. I think that I need to though. I need to just go. Go to college somewhere, go travel, go sit in a coffee shop. I could go to be with Bo.
What bothers me is that all of this is suspiciously familiar. This is exactly what I went through this summer. I mean, exactly. But today, I feel more sure that I just need to go. Before, there was waffling. I wasn't sure of what I really wanted to do. But now, I'm almost positive. God knows how I'll feel three months from now, of course, but there you have it.
I realize that all of this may seem ludicrous, preposterous, stupid, or even slightly insane. Sudden, maybe. I just don't believe that I'm meant to live my life surviving from high mark to high mark, gritting my teeth through the lows. I mean, we all have to do that to some extent. I know that at some point, no matter what I choose to do, I'm going to get to a place where I'll just have to say that I've decided and that's going to have to be the end of the story. However, I don't feel as though I'm at that point because I haven't found the place where I want to put down roots, as it were. So I'm not ashamed of my confusion, I'm just sick of having it.
Maybe I'm just feeling like this because I haven't finished my organic chemistry and I'm taking it down to the wire.
I doubt it.
This morning, in opening, I just didn't want to hear what Bill had to say. I mean, I know that the cross is great and everything, but maybe I'm just not called to the thrid feast. It's a possibility one cannot ignore. What I want isn't some grand infeasible thing. I want to be able to go do my homework at a cool coffee shop, to have a nice apartment with...how about no roommates, just to be safe, to take astronomy classes. My dreams are not big. I just have to ask myself if they're worth the sacrifice, and even I have to ask if I believe that I'm really giving something up by going after them.
If I need to go, then I just need to go.
Seriously, I feel like I'm going to ralph. Maybe I just have a bug.
God, help. What do you do when you have things so ingrained in you that no matter how much you want to not believe them anymore, you can't just go fill in the rut? The thing of it is that I know I'll get out of this ditch, and feel glad I'm here again, but then I know with just as much surety that I'll eventually be back where I am now, and the vicissitudes are so constant (if that makes any sense) that I have to ask myself if no matter what my fears are, if I just need to go. I just need to figure it out for myself. I guess the issue is that I just need to grab the courage I need to do it. It takes guts to go. I think that I need to though. I need to just go. Go to college somewhere, go travel, go sit in a coffee shop. I could go to be with Bo.
What bothers me is that all of this is suspiciously familiar. This is exactly what I went through this summer. I mean, exactly. But today, I feel more sure that I just need to go. Before, there was waffling. I wasn't sure of what I really wanted to do. But now, I'm almost positive. God knows how I'll feel three months from now, of course, but there you have it.
I realize that all of this may seem ludicrous, preposterous, stupid, or even slightly insane. Sudden, maybe. I just don't believe that I'm meant to live my life surviving from high mark to high mark, gritting my teeth through the lows. I mean, we all have to do that to some extent. I know that at some point, no matter what I choose to do, I'm going to get to a place where I'll just have to say that I've decided and that's going to have to be the end of the story. However, I don't feel as though I'm at that point because I haven't found the place where I want to put down roots, as it were. So I'm not ashamed of my confusion, I'm just sick of having it.
Maybe I'm just feeling like this because I haven't finished my organic chemistry and I'm taking it down to the wire.
I doubt it.
This morning, in opening, I just didn't want to hear what Bill had to say. I mean, I know that the cross is great and everything, but maybe I'm just not called to the thrid feast. It's a possibility one cannot ignore. What I want isn't some grand infeasible thing. I want to be able to go do my homework at a cool coffee shop, to have a nice apartment with...how about no roommates, just to be safe, to take astronomy classes. My dreams are not big. I just have to ask myself if they're worth the sacrifice, and even I have to ask if I believe that I'm really giving something up by going after them.
If I need to go, then I just need to go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)