Comfort zone

My blog is my comfort zone. I feel free to say and be whatever I want because to me, it's my space to talk. Although, given the way word gets around, there will always be things that I just won't say, I still feel as though it's my time. This is my forum. How liberating.

In my heart, I think I'm gone. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time. But as plans become more concrete, I get more excited about it. I cringe, though, every time I think of how I won't see these people again until God knows when - Janelle gets married? I don't know. That's the hardest part, and it's taken me a long time to really see that my friends aren't enough. I've been able to say that from my head for quite awhile, but I've only really believed it recently. Probably because I'm at the point where my desire to go is more than my desire to stay with my friends. I guess inside I've always thought that being with the people I love was the most important thing, but it's not. Not anymore. Even if I was going where none of my family was, the point still holds that the relationships, no matter how long I've spent building them, are not enough. In the long run, nothing will ever be enough, but I know I'm going to have to go about believing that the hard way. I know that my desires for my life will never fulfill me and they won't make me happy if I accomplish them, but I don't believe it. So, I'm going to go out and prove to myself that I'm still miserable even when I have everything I ever dreamed of. In the end, nothing will ever be enough without fulfillment from somewhere entirely outside of myself. I will never be happy satisfying myself. Somewhere along the way, I will do something completely selfless, not caring what happens to me, to my life, to my dreams - then I will be happy. But I know that will only happen when I've realized that I'm never going to be content doing what I've always wanted to do. I know that sounds a bit depressing, but it doesn't make me sad. Just because I know what I will learn at the end doesn't mean I won't have some fun times learning what I already know.