Graduation

It was nice. I liked it. Nothing surprising - I think graduation is probably one of my favorite special occasions around here.

I'm just terribly depressed. I'm not really excited about anything that I'm going to be doing. I'm just sad. I know I will be more excited later, but right now just depressed. Is life always going to be this dumb? I mean, does anything ever become clear? I can just see myself wandering the rest of my life, searching for meaning until I just die, never having found it. God, that's depressing. I mean, I just want to be satisfied with something, instead of always feeling discontented about something. I always hate what I'm doing, or where I am, or who I'm with, or myself. Why can't I just find something and be happy with it? I mean, whenever I have too long to sit and think, I just get depressed. What's really difficult is that there are so many people around me who have settled who they are and what they're called to. How did they do it? Why could they make that decision, whatever "that" decision was, and I can't? How do people know that where they are is the right place to put down roots? I mean, my problem is that I so desperately want to put down roots and I try to, and then when I find that I can't, the roots I've put down have to be pulled out and it really hurts and I just wish I could find that place, because I don't want to wander for the rest of my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying and comparing every place to here and finding it wanting but I'm afraid that's what is doomed to happen. I just keep giving myself a back door, a loophole. Someday I'm going to have to stop giving myself room for the kind of crap. One day, I'm just going to have to grow up and realize that some things are for certain and I can't question them. You would think I'd have done that by now. I mean, come on, Joanna, you're an adult.

Yeah...whatever.