Disappointment

I am very disappointed in myself right now. I mean, extremely. I mean, so much that it is making me sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do about it, really. It's like even while I was doing it, I knew it was wrong, and I just didn't draw on the strength to fight it. And then I was like, way to be a loser, Joanna. I mean, I know what is right and what is wrong, and sometimes it feels like I just can't stop and yet I know that I can because I have. Grrr. I am just so ashamed of myself. And then I want to say, God, help, I'm sorry what can I do? But I feel like I can't sometimes because I just did something that I've been asking for help not to do and it's like I just ignored the fact that He is there to help me and did it and then I want to turn around and say, Oops, sorry, golly gee, won't do that again...NOT. I mean, how can I ask God to understand? I wouldn't understand. And I know that is totally not how God thinks, but I'm used to thinking human so it's difficult to understand that God doesn't think human style. Ugh, this is so humiliating. Maybe the way I should look at it is that God knew that I wasn't going to pass this test, and there is something very specific that He wants me to get out of not passing it. I'm not saying that He set me up for failure, although it might seem like it, it's just that maybe there's a bigger picture. Some picture that unless I see, I'm going to keep making the same mistakes over and over. I don't know what that picture is, nor do I have any clues, but it's a thought. I think I just need some perspective on this stuff. I shall go watch a movie and get some. Ha... I know that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.