I had a good talk with my parents last night. I mean, aside from the runny nose and flowing tears. Right. But you know, it helped me see what I really want to get from my time here, no matter how long I am here. Honestly, I had a lot of good reasons for coming here, and I know that I don't want to miss out on whatever God wants me to get out of being here. Truly, I don't. That is uber impotant to me. That doesn't mean that I feel hunky dory. In fact I was making stuff in the kitchen this morning and Nora W. was there and she asked me what was wrong because she could tell I wasn't fine, and I broke down all over again and was really honest with her about how I was feeling and such. She was really nice about it and very encouraging.
I was asking my dad last night how I can stop doing things based entirely on emotions. I know that I have that tendency - I'm not stupid, you know. I mean, to be honest, almost every decision I make is based on how I feel. That doesn't mean that God can't use it, and often things I want to do are what God wants me to do, and that's great. Like going to Whitestone - God was definitely in that, but I also really wanted to go. I think the same thing about coming here to Ireland. I think I was riding on some pretty high emotions from having fun here this summer, and so I wanted to come back, and God said, ok, I can work with that. However, the emotions were wearing off before I even left the States. So, now I'm left in a place that I was brought to a little by emotions, and my gut feeling is to want to leave, also based on emotions. Anyway, my dad said I needed to find a plan of attack for my life, something that really requires me to stick it out, and just do it. Do something logical, not that logic is the highest, but it helps if you're trying to combat emotions. So I'm working on that. The best plan, the most practical one, would require me to be in Illinois by mid-December. We'll see.
So, eventually, one day, I'll figure it all out. I'll get a hold of myself. Maybe. Hahaha.
Oh, and Janelle, of course I still love you. Always will.
2 comments:
For me, I've found a difference between my emotions and my deeper feelings. In the grip of even a highly transient emotion, it's easy to mistake it for something more significant.
But I do think there are different levels of, say, emotionality or affective life; and the deepest ones are where we connect with God.
Gosh...thanks Paul!
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