It was beautiful

The wedding was very nice. Pretty much par for the course for a Whitestone wedding. It was pretty short, but that was fine because I was only there for the food. Just kidding. I did have two pieces of that fruit tart thing. I know, I know, I'm such a pig. Chris had written a beautiful song for Laura that he sang at the dinner on Thursday, but he sang it at the reception yesterday by request. It was beautiful. I love watching people's faces when they are in love. The love in Chris's face as he looked at Laura and sang was beautiful. I was honored to be able to see it.

Anyway, last night Nathan and I sat and drank coffee and talked for a couple of hours. I really enjoyed that. I like Nathan a lot and I wish him the best.

I leave tomorrow. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad. I'm ready to go. I'm really glad I came up here because now I know past any doubts that I might have had that I'm ready to move on. I remember when I was in Ireland earlier, talking to Simeon, and I said that I just couldn't believe I had left. It hadn't sunk in that I had really done it. I needed to come up here and put a few last ghosts to rest. I won't go into what they were, but suffice it to say that I've done it. Don't get me wrong, it's still a tad bittersweet, but in a good way. Those of you who have had to move on from a place or a circumstance that meant a lot to you will understand what I mean. I'll never forget the people, the memories may make me cry sometimes, and up until this point, I can honestly say that these have been the best five years of my short life. Despite all of that, though, I'm ready to move on with no regrets and no wonderings of what might have been. It's right.

It's an honor to have someone trust me enough to be honest with me. I have good friends, and I have many people that actually look up to me. What I think matters to them. I influence people. I've never realized just how true that was until this visit. I think I may have noticed it more because I came back with these experiences that people wanted to hear about and it was like people really wanted to talk to me. Suddenly, I was someone to reckon with. But I digress slightly. I'm learning to take the influence I have on people seriously. I am a very, very opinionated person, and I have no problems flaunting my opinions with a devil-may-care attitude. But I'm learning that I have to be careful. There are some who trust me to give them advice, who honor me with that. And it is indeed an honor. I view myself as a nobody, but I'm not. Not in the eyes of the people who care. And with this new-found revelation, I realize I have to be more cautious. I have to be honest, and I have to be real, but I have to remember that I have more influence than I dared realize. But I don't view this as added responsibility, I view it as a gift. And it's a gift I want to use wisely. I want to care more. I want to be worthy of this honor.

I am a more confident person than I used to be. I don't know when I changed, nor if it was so sudden as to be observable, but somewhere along the way it became noticeable. To me anyway. I used to think I would be more confident if I was skinnier, or more disciplined. In all honesty, it was none of those things that I thought would culminate in self-confidence. I still have all the weaknesses I used to have. And yet, here I am, a more confident person. Was it my vast range of experiences this summer? Maybe a little. Is it just that now is the time? Have I only just begun to grow up? Probably. Honestly, I can't answer the questions. But I'll tell you one thing - I like the change. In truth, people have said that I look good. I was told I looked lovely at the wedding, by many people. But I haven't changed outwardly. Maybe my haircut suits me, maybe I finally got around to doing something about my eyebrows. But I haven't really changed. I know that's not what they're seeing. It's because suddenly, I'm not undermining myself by my inherent sense of worthlessness. It doesn't mean I don't feel rejection, or any of those type of things, but suddenly I can move past it. I can feel it and not be angry at those who unwittingly inflict it, because it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It's good.

I cannot honestly tell you what changed, but there you have it.

I saw Sam at the wedding. I hope his life turns out. His rough exterior doesn't hide the fact that his heart is breaking. I hope he does right by that woman. And her kids. Be a man for once, Sam. Don't flaunt your opinions and then cower in the corner. Do what's right, and damn what people think.

Tonight, we are having a dinner in my honor. Yay. I think it's going to be Janelle, Dan, Jessica, Hannah, Josiah, Anthony, Abigail, Rita and me. And Alicia's going to come over later. My closest friends. I'm honored.

I have used that word many times today. It all makes me feel rather small. What a privelege.

I think I'll stop now, before I become far too introspective. I'm sure I've already done enough analysis for one day.