Don't do it!!!

Don't do it!!!, originally uploaded by Boj.

David and Evan, two key planners of this shindig, at each others' throats...okay not really, but it was a good picture anyway.

Josiah, wearing curtains and an ivy

Josiah, wearing curtains and an ivy, originally uploaded by Boj.

Yes, this is my friend who lives across the way...is he wierd or what?

Back home

Wow, we got home tonight after a long day in the bus and boy was there a suprise awaiting us! The whole entire farm had dressed up to celebrate our victories, and it was amazing. I'll post some pictures once I upload them.

Here are the results of the tournament:

DI - Audrey 1st, Matt 3rd
HI - Diego 1st, Hilary 2nd, Nick 4th
OO - Hannah 1st, Rachel 2nd
PFD - Cara/JC 1st, Nick/Pat 3rd
LD - James 4th, Hilary 4th, Audrey 4th
MIME - Matt 4th, Luke (can't remember)
DUO - Hilary/Diego 2nd
Duet - James/Pat 6th, Diego/Lewis 5th
Solo - Ben 1st, Pat 4th(?), Hannah 6th(?)
FX - Sam 5th, Lewis 6th
RT - Seussical 2nd

In expository speaking and DX we didn't place, and we don't compete in commentary or CX debate. We took the sweepstakes for 1A, 2A, and 3A schools in drama, forensics, and debate, as well as the overall point sweepstakes for the whole tournament, coming home with a total of 170 points, a new record, over West, our nemesis in a friendly way, who went home with 131. We lost the grade point average prize for the first time this year, but oh well. This means that we get to send 5 people to nationals in Philadelphia this summer.

I saw Sam - that was great. We went out Friday night and saw Carmina Burana (sp?) which I love. The performance wasn't that fantastic but it was fun to meet some of Sam's friends. We talked some, and that was good.

Well, that's it for now.

First day is over

Well, the first day of competition is over, and I got to judge every round. I judged a PFD round, an LD round, and a pantomime round. I love it that I can judge because it gives me something useful to do. I know this is short, but I have to go help compile dinner.

12:23 AM

Yes, my friends, it's that early the night before State, and I just finished packing. Now I'm just waiting for the bathroom because someone was taking a shower.

You'd think I'd learn a thing or two from my experience with speech coaching. I'm a terrible coach. On top of that, I'm really not teacher material. I'm just plain too selfish. Right now, I'm dreading tournament. I'm dreading that I'll feel useless like I did tonight when I saw Nika helping Angela get all the stuff together and I was oblivious to the fact that they were even doing anything. I'm dreading watching Angela and Nika be together in a room and me having fun yet feeling left out because they're off being "Nika and Angela" together. I really dread being there and feeling like an extra arm that someone carries around because they feel obligated to. Why do you think I go to tournaments, I mean, really? It's because I want to feel important, and because I want to judge because that means someone has to care what I think. I'm dreading Bill being there, wondering what I'm doing there, all the while not knowing that I coach extemp day in and day out. I'm dreading not being useful enough, feeling guilty that I'm just another responsibility rather than a help. Why can't I just look forward to State? Why do I have to sit here and overanalyse my complexes? I told you I was too selfish - this whole paragraph has been about me, and I'm the least important member going. Honestly, Joanna, get a grip.

I made a movie, it's super cool.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Talk about a blast from the past. I used to watch them on TV when I was a little kid. However, I don't find them and their shrill singing near to enthralling as I used to, so I have sequestered myself in my room and turned up my music. Currently, that is Secret Garden, the album, Dawn of a New Century. It's pleasant.

I did, as I said yesterday, speech all day, from 10 until 5. I'm a little tired now, even though I didn't really do any personal exertion. I mean, I guess coaching could be called that, in a way. I have to do organic chemistry homework now - infrared spectroscopy. I don't think it's going to be too difficult. The hardest part will be opening Virtual PC. Takes so much memory to run that it slows everything else down to a snail's pace.

Emerson W. asked me tonight if I was ignoring/avoiding him, and I just kind of said that I wasn't, not consciously, although I had thought maybe he had been ignoring/avoiding me. He assured me vehemently that he wasn't. He was on boats today, and so tonight after dinner while we were waiting for the accumulation of people in the truck, he was teasing me about my hat, saying I looked like a female Ignacious (from Confederacy of Dunces) and I knew things were going to be okay. After all, if he's mocking and teasing me, things must be back to normal. Kind of a weight off my back.

Wow, I am so hot I am just pouring sweat. Well, not quite, but it is hot up here in my room.

I guess I should quit procrastinating and actually get busy. Argh.

Sun-tanning in April

I was out on the roof this afternoon sunning myself. It was great. I had to punch out my screen to get out there, but it was worth it. It was so warm, except for a cold breeze every now and then. Don't know that I actually increased the melanin levels in my skin, but oh well.

Just finished watching De-Lovely. It was really good, although perhaps about 45 minutes too long. I cried at the end, of course. I cry in movies whenever possible. Can you imagine living a life like that? I mean, aside from the fact that Porter was gay, married, and his wife was fine with that a large portion of the time, it all seems pretty surreal.

Tomorrow, its speech, speech, speech. I'm going to be coaching from 10 AM until dinner, pretty much. It's all good, though. It will be an altogether fun experience, this next week.

I'm glad Emerson W. is not going to be around much this week. It's not that I'm mad at him still, but I can tell he is still pissed off about me ranting to someone else about my problem with him. And he was right. But honestly, even if I'd never breathed a word, he's still have to be dealing with all the crap he's having to figure out. I sure didn't help, but I didn't start the fires either. I can't really say I care all that much. I know I should, but I just don't.

I think I'm getting somewhere it regards to next year, but we'll see. I think God really wants to do something in my life in regards to my care for other people, and how much I'm willing to devote my efforts to helping and interceding for others, but I also think that it's not going to be in the way some people may imagine. Living at Whitestone is time-consuming. It's takes a lot of sweat and tears to be able to give away time to others when all the time is already taken by others. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I don't really care since I know what I mean.

The European way

Sometimes I wish I had been born in Ireland or Scotland or Iceland. I don't know why I have this fascination with those countries, but I just love them. I've always wanted to go to Iceland - I don't even know what's there to see, but there you have it. Mark Selvaggio and I are both really into Iceland, and we talk about it sometime. I'll go, one day, for some reason or another. Ireland is happening this summer - a whole month of it! I don't know about Scotland - it's not on the itinerary, but maybe I'll get a chance to see it. Laura Greenleaf's pictures of Scotland make it seem like such a beautiful place. I've always wanted to go to northern Scotland, up to the fishing villages. Maybe someday I'll move to northern Scotland. I could see myself doing that, just for the heck of it. Sometimes being impulsive can get you into trouble, but sometimes I get to experience and enjoy amazing things far more than other people. Of course, being just 20, I've only just gotten to the point where I can drastically exercise my right to do whatever I want, and this trip this summer is just the beginning. You know, when you're in high school and you have a head on your shoulders, you generally dig in and do what your supposed to do - the homework, the doing what your told by those in authority, whether that be parents or teachers. If you've gained a little wisdom by that age (I know what you're thinking - "very funny"), you learn to just do the proper things generally. But, when you graduate, a whole world of possibilities opens up to you. You can do anything. I don't like to think of anything as out of my reach. Heck, I bet if I put my whole heart into it, I could be an opera singer if I wanted to. People laugh when I say that, and granted, I am saying it jokingly, but I can see in their eyes that they're thinking, "Yeah right, you? An opera singer?" But I say I could do it. And I really, honestly believe that. Laugh all you want, but there you have it. And if I want to live in the fishing villages in norhtern Scotland, why not? Who's going to stop me? It doesn't mean there wouldn't be some things to deal with, such as getting a visa, or whatever they call them in Scotland, and getting a job, and making friends, and the language/accent barrier, but I could still do it. There is not one single thing that can stand in my way. Now, before anyone gets their knickers in a wad, I also really want to go to college and get a degree, not because I feel obligated, which is no reason at all, but because I honestly want to, and I plan on doing that. But maybe, when I'm 35, if I'm still free-lancing it, I'll just up and go for no reason except that I want to. I honestly believe that there's nothing wrong with being that impulsive. I mean, you have to lay a good groundwork for that kind of stuff. I could just take off, but if I'm in debt, or have no way of providing for myself, or I have certain real (not imagined - big difference) responsibilities to other people, then being impulsive with your life might get you into trouble, but honestly, if things are going well and you just want a change - a really big one - why not? Someone tell me, why not? What is so terribly important, why are you so tied up in knots, why are you so scared to do what you want to do?

Now, you may be asking - interesing soliloquy, but why is all this coming out now? I'll tell you.

I think it's because I'm terribly sick of trying to convince myself that what I imagine to be obligations are really that - important obligations. Yes, I have certain responsibilities, and I'm doing my best to make sure that I take care of those. But honestly, some of the things I imagine to be astoundingly important are nothing in reality, and the things I want to do are being thrown to the wayside like they are not important at all. What worth is it for me to live this life fulfilling duty after illusory duty when the things worth living for - my aspirations and dreams - are going unfulfilled?

I outrightly refuse to become another cubicled desk job when there's a whole universe - and yes, I do mean universe - of possibilities out there.

The best feeling

You want to know what one of the best feelings in the world is? It's being pretty much caught up on all the homework I have to do. I finished the chapter 14 exercises I had to do, I have no current lab work that needs doing, and all I've got on my plate is thinking about what and how I'm going to teach next week and my final project for biology, which, by the way, is going very well. It's an unusual phenomenon for being about four weeks from the end of school. Usually I'm scrambling trying to get everything done. Of course, the production will start full-force after State, and there's State, and I have to pack in the last week of school because I'm shipping out right after graduation.

Wow, I am super cold. Stupid fan.

A tribute to a friend

I decided today to talk about my friend Cara. She's a real chum. It's funny, because when I was a senior in highschool and she was in ninth grade, we were nigh unto inseperable. We talked about everything, and we had the same views on a lot of stuff. We both loved coffee and books, you know, all that stuff, and we worked together in debate - we were together all the time. After I graduated and started college, we grew apart a little, not for any other reason than that we were never around each other that much. But the funny thing was that if we did ever hang out, we could always pick up right where we left. To this day, we can talk about anything, and that's very encouraging. I wish her the best as she goes to State and graduates from highschool.

Speaking of State, I'm really excited about going. Actually, what's more exciting is that all the kids are excited that I'm going. It's very heartening to know that they want me to be there and that they think it wouldn't be the same without Nika and I. Sometimes I feel more like a slave driver than a coach, because I'm constantly having to light fires under certain people's butts when it comes to extemp, but it's good to know they appreciate it.

I'm also getting excited about Europe. I'm starting to think about it more, and all that kind of stuff. It's going to be such an experience. I'm a little nervous about being in Ireland for a month, simply because I won't be a "free agent," but rather someone who is there to help out and really contribute while I'm there. I'm sure it will be fun.

Monday, Monday

Well, I spent most of the weekend without the internet, which was somewhat of a pain. Then again, I didn't really have anything important to do on the internet besides work on my biology project, and who cares about that. I mean, it's only my most important project of this 400-level class. Really, though, it doesn't matter.

I have to teach next week. I'm teaching the introduction to acids and bases - God knows why I picked the longest and one of the most important chapters in the last half of the book. It covers properties of acids and bases, including Arrhenius and Bronsted-Lowry and Lewis models, and conjugates, and so on, and I half to cover it in three days, and I won't be able to assign hardly any homework because that's the week of State. It should be fine, but I'm a little nervous simply because I've never actually been in charge of lecturing and homework all the while being graded for it. Argh.

Okay, well, that's it.

What's wrong with...

...wanting something I can't have? I'll tell you what's wrong with it - I spend all my mental energies thinking about how much I want it, and don't have time to ponder the more meaningful things in life. There are only a few things that I want desperately. There have been little things, this and that, but I've never believed that I would be happy if I could only have them. But these couple of things - I know that I think I would be satisfied if only I could. I'm sure I would have a raft of different problems, but at least they wouldn't be the one's I've already worn out having. Give me something different to fight for a change. Sometimes I think I would rather have a crisis on my hands - at least then I'd know where the battle was, I would be in battle mode, as it were. But day after day, it's the same old crap. Stupid stuff, over and over. I hate it.

Sorry, Bo, I was actually going to try to make this a happy blog post - for your sake.

School is over in...six weeks, I think. I need for it desperately to be finished. I'm excited about going to Europe this summer. Tomorrow I'm going Fairbanks to see a concert of the opera Carmen. It's really not going to be acted out, just kind of a showcase. It should be fun - the whole choir is going.

Going to have a party to welcome home Amanda.

Wow, anger

It's so frustrating to be in a class where the teacher won't even let you get a question out. I understand not wanting to get into things if they're a bit of a rabbit trail, but at least let the student get a word in edgewise. It's especially frustrating when, as a college student, I want to know why I'm learning specific things and how I would use them in the real world, but when the teacher won't even let me ask and assumes I just don't want to learn, that makes me want to shut down and definitely not listen to a thing he's saying. Therefore, I am writing this blog post as Ted blabbers on about oxidation and reduction. I don't care about it, honestly. The only reason I care about this class is to pass it. So, I got a 97 - yay. I don't care what I did wrong and don't want to spend time talking about it, especially when I can't even ask the questions that matter to me and he just goes on and on about what he thinks is important. Grrr.

That felt good to get that out.

Where does it all end?

Had an irritating conversation with Jon Bailey last week. I've been trying to approach it from the right angle, because I don't believe that there is nothing to be learned from the most frustrating circumstances. However, it's difficult not to just be frustrated and ignore it completely. I just don't understand where he gets off being irritated at me for me own personal struggles. Since when was it his right to get irritated? Since never, that's when. I just don't understand how he could be saying to completely opposing things in one conversation. First he says I'll regret it if i stay here and then he says I should stay here because God said. Sounds to me like he thinks I should stay but I shouldn't stay because I'll regret it so go and disobey God. He doesn't leave me any options! How am I supposed to be helped by a conversation like that? Do anyone understand how truly frustrating this is? God!

On to bigger things...or not...

I'm so excited for Janelle, but while she's my best friend, I often envy her. I live my life surrounded by skinny, in-shape, or generally good-looking people. I'm suffering from a severe relapse of insecurity. Going through one of those how-dare-I-breathe-the-air-and-take-up-space phases. There are things that I will never be able to change about myself, and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I'm embarrassed just to show up in the morning, sure that somebody is noticing how fat I am, or how ugly I am, or how stupid I am. Isn't that dumb? What it is is self-centered. It's all about me. Wow - the whole head is sick.

I need coffee - I need it now and I need it desperately.

Just perusing

I was just looking at that blog from David Duchovny. Interesting. I think it's a great idea for people who are very well-known, to the point of being unreachable. It makes them seem much more real and in touch with their fans.

I haven't done a stitch of homework this weekend. I'm probably going to get lambasted tomorrow, but we'll see if I can hide it. I may be able to, but I'll still regret having to catch up this week.

I watched a super dumb movie this weekend - Vanity Fair. It has Reese Witherspoon in it. It was awful. Hated it. Ended terribly. It had a really good looking guy in it though. Played a terrible part.

I wish I had a great talent to be someone famous. Oh well, won't ever happen I'm sure.

I'm so tired - I should go to bed.

Nastiness

Just watched a movie called "Carolina." I cried super hard. I'm like that with movies, though. It was good.

Sick of being at home. Stupid, conisdering I've only been at home one day. Hopefully I'll recover over the weekend. I'm so sick of being sick. I've been ill for like a week and a half. So dumb.

I should go to bed. I'm so tired, but I need to take a shower. Don't really feel like it, though.

I feel nice, like sugar and spice

Actually, truth be told, I feel like hell. I thought I was better, but then I woke up this morning and I am just a sick puppy. Got a terrible cough and a headache. And, I have to walk the delta this morning and it is very windy - terribly windy. And, then I have to go to Fairbanks, which will be fine, but I just wish I could stay in bed all day. It's so pooey.

On the bright side, the geometry class is doing a nice job on their blueprints, and so far I haven't had to play the mean teacher. I'm making some yummy coffee, which I probably don't need but I feel like I do, so I'm making it.

I spend so much of my life thinking about and dwelling on all the terrible things about myself. It's such an ingrained habit that I find myself needing someone else to tell me something good about myself because I know I'll always be down on myself. So there you have it. That's me in a nutshell. No, but seriously, that's why I strive to be good at so many things, and get terribly down when I don't progress - like the violin, or the piano. I feel like those are things that people will notice if I'm good at, so I want to get better so I can hear nice things about myself. I don't think of being good at chemistry as something that will get me noticed and applauded, so I throw it off as being of no account. I know this all sounds really dumb, but it's honest. It's funny how much one can know that the way one thinks about things is silly, but it still doesn't change anything.

Matt, one of my geometry students, is daring me to drink my 2-methylpentene solution. I told him I don't drink toxic crap like that. Gotta go.

Nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy

That's what we're doing in Fairbanks tomorrow. Ted, Lisa and I are all going up to do NMR on the 2-methylpentenes that we made the other day. Neato. Eating out is going on the grant - hohoho, and a bottle of rum.

I'm rethinking the idea of college here. It would be really cool to take some music classes. I'm thinking of doing that. I don't know. I like the idea. Dunno.

A new day

I had a mental culmination yesterday - an epiphany, as it were. It was good, and yet a "good" backed up by a "you have a lot of work to do yet." At least I'm not having panic attacks anymore. Seriously, it was bad - everytime I thought about my future, it was like my chest got all tight and I couldn't take deep breaths. Talk about too much stress. I guess I was able, in a moment of clarity, step back and see where I first went off the path. I asked myself how it was that I got so far off-course. Somehow the issue had become me, when the issue is not me. And believe me, when the issue is me, things go bad. I open little doors, just a crack, and before I can blink I'm so far off-course that it's like trying to double the Cape Good Hope in a typhoon. I don't want to care that much. I don't mean that in a bad way. Sometimes caring too much is a big problem.

I really need to clean my room.

Sick and tired

That's me. I've been at home all day sick. Yesterday, I was totally fine until right at the end of choir, when I got a raging headache that made me sick to my stomach. I tried to go to lab, but to no avail, and so I tried to sleep upstairs and that was to no avail too, so I went to dinner and then came home and just felt terrible. So, I've been home sleeping all day. I'm trying to do some homework...I didn't go to service, but I think it's over because people are coming online. This stupid book - Life in the Cold - is so amazing. Why would someone devote their life to this kind of stuff. Did you know there is a complicated mathematical formula for the thermal conductivity of snow packs?

I'm talking to my sister. I feel so badly because she so wants me to come down to Illinois, and I just can't make the decision. Then there are people who want me to stay here, and I can't seem to decide that either. And then, if I ignore the outside pressure entirely, there's me sitting in the middle thinking that I want to do all of them.

I'm still working on the Moonlight Sonata. I really like it. It makes me happy.

I'm so tired.